Saturday 29 March 2014

After some research I've decided to move things over to Wordpress. The old posts, doodles and of course Ewok, will be over there. Come visit!

http://somberscribbler.wordpress.com


Friday 28 March 2014

Optimism, It's all in Your Genes


You know those people who always look on the bright side, they make friends easily, they are always bright and shiny? They make life look easy, fun even. We love to hate them, don't we? Well, we shouldn't. It's not their fault, they have a genetic advantage. That's right! Proceedings from the National Academy of Science have found a possible genetic basis for optimism, self-esteem and mastery. Mastery is the belief that you have control over your own life and place in the world.

It all has to do with oxytocin, the love/cuddle hormone. Genetic variation of the oxytocin receptor (OXTR) may influence personality traits. DNA is made of four different base pairs; adenine, guanine, cytosine and thymine. Subtle changes in these base pairs can change how genes function. In the case of OXTR, one variant has more adenine. Carriers of this variant are prone to lower self-esteem and mastery and are more prone to depression. Individuals expressing the OXTR variant with more guanine (as opposed to adenine) are more prone to optimism. Scientists aren't sure yet exactly how oxytocin release is affected by this change, but they are working on it.

Now don't go getting all bent out of shape, these happy, shiny people have it easy, I'm doomed to be depressed forever. This variant can influence how you see the world and your place in it, but it is not the be all and end all. Your genes and your environment work together. Having the adenine variant just means you have a vulnerability towards depression, it doesn't mean you are fated to be so. Your experiences and your attitude are major factors in your outlook on life.

Sources:
National Institute of Health

Tuesday 25 March 2014

Sugaring Off

In Canada, you know spring has arrived when you see smoke rising from the maple wood forests. No, we aren't burning the trees down. We're collecting sap and boiling it to make maple syrup. It's sugaring off season! Have you ever had real maple syrup? I don't mean corn syrup or Aunt Jemima. I mean the real stuff... straight out of a maple tree and boiled to perfection. Once you've had it, there's no going back.

Sugaring off entails going to one of the maple syrup making establishments. They aren't factories. They are little wooden shacks in the middle of the woods. A horse and wagon ride is usually required to get you into the woods. You get a demonstration on how the sap is collected and made into syrup and the associated maple products (taffy, maple sugar, maple butter, fudge etc.) There is usually a bonfire, some folk entertainment and activities for the kids. Of course there's lunch too....Canadian specialties accompanied by maple syrup and sugar pie for dessert. Sugar pie is basically maple fudge on a pie crust, except the fudge is the same consistency as the goo in pecan pie.You can only get sugar pie in Quebec. I've lived in Ontario, it's just not the same.

This past weekend was my first sugaring off experience in a really long time. I was feeling fine when I agreed to go, but as the date approached, I began my descent into doom and gloom. I was dreading the sugaring off experience for all the usual reasons depressed people dread outings, but on top of that, an extra worry. I was going with the in-laws.

I'm very lucky. I get along quite well with my in-laws. They don't know about my depression and anxiety problems though. My husband told me one time that his mother didn't believe in mental illnesses like depression, so I thought it best to keep the in-laws in the dark. This can be a bit of a burden sometimes. When you are feeling this low, the last thing you want to do is put energy into hiding it. I was relieved when I awoke on the day of to find a blizzard. Maybe it would be cancelled and I could stay home. I don't know why I thought that. This is Quebec, we don't call in the army when it snows. We shrug and start digging!

So as I put on my blizzard gear, I went through my acting check list to make sure I was ready. I like lists, can you tell? Here's my strategy for faking it when I need to.
  1. I smile. I hide behind a smile when I don't want people to know how I am really feeling. I usually don't feel like smiling. I try to have a joke or something in my head that I can't help but smile a little. Lately I've been singing the Lego Movie song, it works well for me. "Everything is awesome..." I didn't have to sing in the end, I was so bundled up that you couldn't tell if I was smiling or not! Score!
  2. I redirect the conversation. If someone asks how I am, I say fine and then switch the conversation to something about them. Something more than how are you. I ask about their work or their kids for example. People like to talk about themselves. They never notice that I've redirected the conversation.
  3. I try to look healthy. I slap on a little tinted moisturizer and some foundation to cover the darkness under my eyes and I'm good to go. There is nothing like a pale face or bags under your eyes to make people ask questions. I imagine doing this would be easier for women. For guys, or at least the ones that don't wear make-up, there is a little more preparation involved. I would make sure to get a good night's sleep the night before and stay hydrated. This keeps you looking fresh.
  4. I like to have support. I told my husband how I was feeling. Having someone know was a relief on its own. Throughout the day he would send me little smiles and put his arm around me. It made it easier knowing he was there to back me up.
  5. I don't give details. I say I'm just not feeling right if someone asks why I am quieter than usual or something. Giving details leads to thinking, which usually leads to tears. Never a good thing when you are trying to hide it.
  6. I give myself a break. It's okay not to be the life of the party or hide it perfectly. I'm participating, I didn't flake despite really wanting to. I have to give myself a little pat on the back for that.

Monday 24 March 2014

Confessions of a Java Junkie

My crazy professor hanging from the auditorium ceiling
Coffee is my lifeline. It wasn't always like that though. I used to hate it, the nasty bitter taste made my stomach turn. Now, I drink it black, like my soul. I blame my coffee addiction on Physics 101 and my body image issues. It was my first year of university, I had a physics class that lasted an hour and a half in an auditorium that sat over 600 students. The auditorium was cold, so I always had my jacket wrapped around me. This, along with my level of interest in physics and my professor's monotone voice was the perfect combination for nodding off. I remember trying to take notes and falling asleep mid sentence. My notes would go from legible to chicken scratch. One time, I completely fell asleep at the beginning of the lecture and woke up to find my professor hanging from the ceiling by a bungee cord. Look, simple harmonic motion! he was saying. I thought I was hallucinating! Time to find a method of staying awake.

Getting cozy, wrapped in my jacket was not a good idea, so I had to find a new strategy to stay warm. Tim Hortons (THE Canadian coffee/donut shop) was near by, so hot chocolate would be good I thought. Then the little devil on my shoulder woke up and said too many calories to have that all the time. Coffee has no calories. So I started drinking it. It's an acquired taste. After having it several times a week for a semester, I started to like it. Now, I have it not only because I REALLY like it, I need it too. I'm not quite as alert without it.

Coffee has caffeine which acts as a stimulant. It increases heart rate, stimulates the central nervous system and temporarily boosts metabolism (yay!). Caffeine is similar in structure to a brain chemical called adenosine which makes us sleepy. Since our body can't tell the difference between the caffeine and adenosine, it ends up using caffeine instead, causing the spike in energy. Caffeine is not unique to coffee, it is also in teas, soda and chocolate, but you get the most benefit from it in coffee. Moderate amounts of coffee can improve your attention span, reaction time and other brain skills. Coffee contains antioxidants along with caffeine. Antioxidants are tiny molecular warriors against diseases like cancer and Alzheimer's. That's not all coffee helps to fight. A 2011 Harvard study followed the caffeine intake of 50,739 women over a ten year period. They found that those who drank coffee had a decreased incidence of depression compared to those who didn't. So more coffee = less depression. Hook me up to a coffee IV, stat!

Not so fast. It is recommended that the average person have 2 to 4 cups of coffee a day. Every body reacts differently to coffee. Caffeine toxicity is possible. The symptoms resemble anxiety and mood disorders, you can feel agitated, nervous and restless. Depression is often accompanied by anxiety and insomnia. Coffee can aggravate these. It best to see how you react to coffee before hooking up the IV. I noticed that if I have caffeinated coffee in the afternoon, I don't sleep very well. So now I make sure to unhook my IV or switch to decaf (which has much less caffeine) by noon.

Coffee can also affect you differently depending on your medication. I haven't read any research on this, I speak from experience and reading mental health forums. I recently increased the dosage of my bupropion (Welbutrin) to 300mg. This medication gives me more energy and a better outlook, but I have to put up with the side effect of tremors. They normally aren't too bad, my hands shake a little, no big deal. I don't know if this was because I was adjusting to the new dosage or what, but I had a pot of coffee one morning earlier this week and holy tremors Batman!! I was shaking so much I couldn't write, type or draw. My muscles were doing strange twitchy things, especially the muscles in my face and it felt like my eyes were vibrating. In addition to all that, I was sooo nauseous! I didn't actually throw up, but it kept coming and going in waves. I've never felt like that before. The last few days I've had two cups of coffee with lots of water and I haven't had the same reaction thankfully. I would be really sad to give up my coffee.

What's the moral of this story? Coffee has all sorts of benefits, but every body is different. Find out what amount is right for you. Also, watch out when you change your medication!


Sunday 23 March 2014

Seeing Old Friends

I'm still feeling like rubbish, perhaps a bit worse, but I'm still working my way down my comfort list. Another list item is nostalgia. I like to remember good things, or good times in life. I need to remind myself that I've had them once, so I will have them again, no matter how bleak the future looks. Today I am thinking about my friends, my forever friends.

There are four of us who have been friends since elementary school. We're close, like The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, despite them living in Toronto and me in Montreal. I see them a few times a year. Part of me looks forward to seeing them while part of me dreads it. I get anxious about seeing people I haven't seen in a while. Once we get together, everything is fine and we pick up right where we left off, but until we meet, I'm nervous.

I had one of those experiences recently. Before seeing them, I was nervous and wanted to back out. I was in Toronto and had forgotten to bring my meds. Brilliant! It had been four days without them and I was starting to feel like hell. Would I be able to muster up enough enthusiasm? Would they notice the weight I've gained? Would they see through my "I'm fine." exterior and feel sorry for me? Would they see that I'm no further along in life, that I'm stagnating?

Robin is the one I'm closest to, which is a little funny because our lives are quite different from one another. I guess it's because I admire her. She is the single mom of a seven year old. It hasn't been easy for her, but she has handled everything remarkable well. Her daughter is really sweet and bright and Robin is a great mom. Being a mom terrifies me and she does it like she was born to. Robin is well established in life. She has a good job, a home, lots of friends and is dating a nice man. I feel like I'm still trying to get my life started.

Melissa just had a baby boy and she is over the moon to be starting a family. Melissa has always known what she wanted and went for it. She went to school to be a physiotherapist and got a job right out of school. She married her first boyfriend and they live in a nice big house in the same neighbourhood she grew up in.

Natasha and I are probably the most alike. We're both working on our doctoral degrees in science. For some reason the stress is making her beautifully thin and making me horrendously fat. I'm envious. She is finishing up her data collection and has already scored a post-doc position while I am still stuck in ethics.

I am happy for my friends and proud of them. I'm just ashamed of myself for being so far behind. I try not to let this get in the way though. They are my friends, my real friends. They will love me whether I weigh 100lbs or 3 times that. They wont treat me differently because I'm going through a slow patch in life and they'll encourage me to keep working for the things I want, the things that are good for me.

It's important to learn who your real friends are and not let them go. It's hard not to compare yourself to them and get anxious when you don't have any good news to share. Don't let things like weight gain or life set backs get in the way of seeing them and talking to them. There are enough people in life who just want to bring you down. You need to keep the ones that lift you up close.


Saturday 22 March 2014

Down the Rabbit Hole

I'm feeling pretty low. That's why my last few posts have been about things I have learned either through experience or reading. I think it's important for you to either learn something new or feel uplifted after reading a post here. I've gotten to the point where my brain isn't working well enough to come up with something. I'm falling down the rabbit hole, but unlike Alice, I'm not going to land in Wonderland. There is nothing wondrous about the place I'm going. It's dark, lonely, hopeless and usually doesn't make much sense. Well, maybe Alice and I have that latter part in common.

I can usually tell when I'm falling. I start getting really tired for no particular reason. Then I start to lose what little motivation I have. That's how this spell started, but there were a few added perks. I changed the dosage on my medication and I'm having a hard time adjusting. The first few days I was really nauseous and shaky. The nausea went away, but the tremors stayed. It makes it extremely hard to draw which seems to be the only thing I can do without having to jump over the giant hurdle of dread. These symptoms, along with the lack of motivation have kept me from going to work. I think I feel guilty about not doing any work, or maybe I just think I should feel guilty, I don't know. I don't care enough to figure it out.

Yesterday was particularly wretched. I haven't been sleeping very well and the night before last I pretty much didn't. My lack of sleep has accumulated into that nauseating, photosensitive, headache-y feeling that leaves you stranded in bed or on the couch in the dark. So that's where I've been for most of the day....and night.

While I was rotting on the couch, I got confirmation that my husband will definitely be out of a job for the next school year. There are no full-time science contracts in the school board he is tenured with. All these questions are swirling through my brain. What are we going to do?! Will he find something else? Will I have to leave my Ph.D.? Will we have to move? This would normally start a panic which I would talk myself down from, except I don't have the energy to panic. So instead I curled up into a ball and prayed that I'd just disappear. Since it was not likely that my prayers would be answered, I needed a new strategy.

I've been told that when I start to fall apart I should try living life 10 minutes at a time so I don't get overwhelmed and can stop thinking about the future. There was nothing I could do about my meds, my work or his job at the moment anyway. What could I do right now? Try to feel better. How? I have a list of things that usually cheer me up. I have it written down for times like this when I'm not rational. Starting at the top of my list is my husband, who is not currently home, next... Find Ewok (my cat). Check. Sweatpants. Check. Cup of coffee. Check. Put on the Phantom of the Opera. Check. Watch until I feel better.

The Phantom played through five times. I still feel the same. At least I haven't completely lost hope yet.

Friday 21 March 2014

Combating Cognitive Symptoms in Depression

Yesterday I told you about some of the reading I've been doing on the cognitive symptoms of major depressive disorder (MDD). It might have been too research-oriented for some of you, sorry about that. This stuff is what makes my heart go pitter-patter, sometimes I get carried away. Today I'll be more practical and talk about what I've read about treating these cognitive symptoms.

Medication Helps

Contrary to popular belief, antidepressant therapy is not the cause of you feeling like you've got a head full of cotton. Some medications can induce similar symptoms, but it is not a common side effect. Most people improve with antidepressant therapy. Only about 20% still have trouble with concentration and decision making after remission. Serotonin and norepinephrine re-uptake inhibitors (SNRIs) are pretty good at relieving cognitive symptoms. In a study comparing the cognitive status between depressives on selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors (SSRIs) and those on SNRIs it was found that there was more improvement in the SNRI group. Those on the SSRIs were still having difficulty with episodic memory. They still had deficits in both verbal and visual memory. Episodic memory refers to memory linked to emotion and past experience as opposed to semantic memory which is memory of knowledge. So it looks like antidepressants that target more than one neurotransmitter are more helpful in the cognitive department. Remember, serotonin is involved in motivation and norepinephrine in concentration.

Bupropion, an atypical antidepressant has also been shown to improve cognitive symptoms. The primary focus of this one is increasing dopamine circulation in the brain. It also has an effect, although weaker, on norepinephrine and acetylcholine receptors. Again, remember, dopamine is for enjoyment and norepinephrine is for concentration. What about acetylcholine you say? That's a big one. It acts on neurons throughout the whole body. I'm not going to get into it, that's a whole biology lecture, but know that this is why bupropion is sometimes prescribed to help quit smoking.

Psychotherapy Strategies

Remediation techniques aim to improve someone's situation by targeting a specific cognitive skill. This technique is highly individualized. Programs are based on you personal interests and strengths. It involves various pen and paper tasks and some psychophysical computer tasks. The problem with remediation is that it is time-intensive. Your therapist needs to get to know your strengths and problem areas, then design the training program. Since it it's based on training, you have to do it often, sometimes several times a week.

Another strategy is compensation which relies on trade-offs. You find alternate ways of performing a task you have difficulty with. For this to work, your therapist has to be familiar with your learning style. You are basically taught to alter the course of your behaviour to suit your cognitive dysfunction. It has been found that doing this does not come naturally to people with MDD. From what I've read, it sort of sounds like cognitive behaviour therapy.

Finally there's the adaptive approach. Here you change the environment rather than the individual. This may mean changing jobs and/or depending on other people. This is used as a last resort when remediation and compensation are not working.

The Answer

There is no real answer, not yet. The cognitive side of MDD is only beginning to be studied. There is a long way to go. I have tried venlafaxin (SNRI) and it did give me better clarity. I couldn't handle the side effects and the withdrawal when I missed a dose, so I eventually came off it. Also, not a pretty experience. I am currently on bupropion in combination with some others. I did notice a difference when I added bupropion. Most days are alright, but the fog still comes and goes.

I recommend fighting through it. Don't throw in the towel on those foggy days. The brain is a wondrous thing. If those who lose their vision from traumatic brain injury can regain some of it, who knows what kind of adaptations we could build by just exercising our brains.

Sources:
cogstate.com 
Office of Mental Health 
Trivedi and Greer, 2014

Thursday 20 March 2014

Cognitive Dysfunction in Depression

I have Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). It's a battle I have to fight everyday. I'm proud to say I haven't lost yet. It's hard to make family and friends understand that this is a serious struggle. The symptoms commonly associated with MDD are changes in sleep, appetite and energy, combined with a lack of interest, low self-esteem and hopelessness. This gives MDD the image of an emotional attitude, something you can change or just snap out of. That's not it at all.

I like to compare MDD to the weather. It's always there, it changes, you can't control it, but with skill, you can predict it and take precautions. It's like a fog that rolls in and clouds your outlook on life. It's dark and difficult to see through. It could last anywhere from hours to months. Then, a beam of light or a gust of wind dissipates it and the world looks brighter again. So asking why can't they snap out of it is like asking why is the sky blue.

I'm hoping recent research on the symptoms of MDD will help lift the stigma. The old myth that depression is purely a mood disorder is slowly being overturned. Research has shown that patients with MDD can also suffer from cognitive dysfunction. What's that you say? It's that foggy feeling you get in your brain. You can't concentrate, you forget what you've just read and processing information, let alone doing anything is hard. It's not an excuse give up and be lazy. It's a frustrating difficulty that we have to learn to work with.

What is cognition?

Cognition is not academic skills. Academic skills include knowledge about specific subjects like math or philosophy. Cognitive skills refer to thinking and how you interact with your environment, things everyone does everyday. Cognition allows you to perceive, acquire, understand and respond to information through abilities such as attention, memory, information processing, problem-solving and organization. These abilities are essential to function in our society. Cognitive dysfunction is when these abilities are impaired.

Recent Findings

Cognitive dysfunction can have a huge impact on the quality of life. Until recently, changes in cognitive function weren’t linked to the diagnosis of MDD. Using well-developed, objective cognitive function tests, Cogstate showed that the prevalence of cognitive dysfunction is almost 50% across a group of MDD participants. Those with cognitive dysfunction have lower productivity levels compared to normals and those who were depressed but cognitively normal. These cognitive symptoms are stubborn too. They don't come and go with the fog of a depressive episode. They persist through the better times too. Researchers believe that cognitive symptoms may be more debilitating than the physical symptoms of MDD, possibly the underlying cause of disability.

Parts of the Brain Involved

Areas in the brain involved in cognition overlap and communicate with regions responsible for mood and emotion, namely the frontal-limbic circuitry and the hippocampus. The frontal part of the brain is responsible for cognition while the limbic system handles emotion and the hippocampus manages memory storage and processing. These areas communicate via neurotransmitters that I'm sure you are familiar with; serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine. After all, these are what our medications aim to increase. A decreased level of serotonin explains the lack of motivation and will power that characterizes depression. Lower levels of norepinephrine decrease abilities to concentrate, while decreases in dopamine take away enjoyment. MDD is not just low levels of neurotransmitters, otherwise our anti-depressants would have put us all in complete remission.

Eureka!

Recent research has determined that our brains are structurally different from people who do not have MDD. Structural abnormalities are seen in the frontal-limbic and hippocampal areas of the brain. They are there at the beginning of MDD and may even precede it! This is shown by imaging studies on those experiencing their first major depressive episode, before starting treatment. After multiple episodes of depression, the volume of the hippocampus decreases. This decrease correlates with observed memory problems.

So far, research has determined the regions of the brain that are affected by MDD, but we don't know why and there are few, if any effective treatments. Tune in tomorrow to learn about what is available to help combat the cognitive symptoms of MDD. Ultimately, more research needs to be done in this area to give sufferers relief from the frustrating cognitive symptoms.
 
MDD is not just a mood disorder or an attitude that you can change. Have you ever wished you had something to show for your pain...a broken leg, a tumor or something to explain why you are the way you are? There are physical abnormalities to explain my foggy thoughts and crumby short-term memory. Unfortunately we can't all go get brain imaging done to prove it, but knowing that my issues are scientifically validated give me comfort. Even though I've known it for a while, a lot of the world doesn't. I'm not lazy, I have MDD. It's real. Take that stigma!

(P.S. I'm not a doctor or an expert, I'm just sharing what I've read that makes me say Wow!)

Sources:
cogstate.com 
Office of Mental Health 
Trivedi and Greer, 2014

Tuesday 18 March 2014

Overcoming the Perfectionist Attitude

Hi. I'm the Somber Scribbler and I'm a perfectionist.


Perfectionism is not only annoying, it's often the cause of low self-esteem and anxiety. Perfectionists have unrealistically high expectations of themselves, others, or life in general. They are often highly focused on details, particularly the negatives and they tend to discount the positives. Are you a perfectionist? Here are some of the signs....
  • You are motivated by fear of failure or sense of duty. I should, I must, I have to...
  • You are critical of every effort. Your accomplishments never satisfy you, you have to be number one.
  • You have to earn your self-esteem. You must be accomplished or you wont be loved or accepted by others.
  • You are terrified by failure. If you don't reach your goal, you think you are a failure as a human being.
  • You must always be in strong control of your emotions, otherwise you might be seen as weak.
  • You tend to think in two categories (black and white, success and failure) rather than on a continuum.
  • You make conclusions that go beyond a situation. If it happened once, it will always happen.
Sound like you? It sure sounds like me. There are tips all over the place about how to get over it. For example, make more realistic goals, stop focusing on the little negatives, don't discount the positive stuff and find more pleasure in life. It's good advice, but how do you do that? It's hard to just turn off that black and white thinking when you've been doing it your whole life.

I want to share some painfully obvious things that I have realized lately. Reminding myself of these things has helped me to be more successful in following the anti-perfectionist tips.

Existence = Worth
Society measures our worth by outer achievements, so that's how I measure my own worth. How much education do I have? How many friends do I have? How much money do I have? How thin am I? Sounds about right, right? Wrong! Your worth is a given just because you exist. People give pets and plants worth just for being there. Why shouldn't we give ourselves the same treatment?

Mistakes Are ok as Long as You Are Still in Control
You are human, you make mistakes. You probably make several a day (I do!) and that's ok. They are not worth dwelling on. It just gives you more anxiety. There is no learning without mistakes. I know you've heard that before and it's not that comforting, but what about this? Think about how many mistakes you can make before you lose control of the situation. There's a lot of room for error there. Feel better? I do.

Would you Demand the Same From Your Best Friend?
I applied to optometry school out of high school. I didn't get in. I hated myself. Would I hate my friend if she didn't get in? No. Would I feel bad for her? Yes. It's ok to be disappointed because of set backs, but don't let it turn into something as extreme as self-loathing.

The Right Perspective
Perfectionists tend to focus on mistakes that have minute consequences let alone any real long term effects. This mistake you made feels crappy right now, but will it matter next month? Next year? I know you want to kick me for saying that. It doesn't make you feel better right now, but it does put things in perspective. I failed my driver's test several times. I was devastated. Does it matter now? No. Does it affect my life in the long run? No. It wasn't worth all the anxiety I had over it.

Stop and Smell the Roses
Perfectionists are often rigid and self-denying. You can't keep giving 100% without recharging your batteries. Make time to do something you enjoy. I got to the point where I didn't enjoy anything anymore. Everything stressed me out. I realized it was because I was focusing on the finish line and not on the process. My favourite pass-time was drawing and I stopped doing it because I wasn't any good at it. I was so focused on what my artwork looked like in the end that I forgot it was the drawing part that I enjoyed. Focus on the process.

When I remind myself of these things I find it easier to follow the tips on how not to be a perfectionist. I'm still a perfectionist, but I'm working on it. Thinking in black and white and focusing on the negative is still automatic, but remembering these points helps me talk myself out of it and it has reduced my anxiety by leaps and bounds. I hope it can be of some use to you too.

Monday 17 March 2014

The Ball of Shame

Happy St. Patty's!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!


My Dad's side of the family is Irish. We've been in Canada for generations, but one of my great uncles still had an Irish accent. It was awesome. I live in Montreal and we have a rather large, close-knit Irish community. There are St. Patrick's Day Galas, a pageant to select the Queen of the Parade, special Irish breakfasts, everything and everyone downtown turns green and the Irish pubs go nuts! People are all dressed up in crazy outfits and drinking green beer on the streets. It's actually a lot of fun.

My cousin runs the pageant. She was queen once herself. It's not a typical pageant. It's more like a public speaking contest. Contestants have to introduce themselves and their Irish background. They prepare a speech on Irish history or literature and they have to answer a current events question on the spot. Whoever is elected queen gets a trip to Ireland, leads the parade and spends the year volunteering in the Irish community. It's a pretty good program.

It has become a tradition for my family to watch the parade together and then retire to my aunt and uncle's place for Irish coffee and food. Every year we gather on the same street corner to watch. Kids, adults, dogs, the lot of us, plus our friends. There is usually about 25 of us.

Yesterday was parade day.....and I didn't go. It's not that I didn't want to. I enjoy the parade, especially the music. I even bought a green sweater to wear for the occasion! It's also been a while since I've seen my extended family. I'm dying to see them. So what's the problem? I don't want them to see me. Do you ever feel that way? It's kind of a weird state to be in. It's not like I have anxiety about it or don't have the energy for it, which is usually the case. Maybe ashamed is the right word? I'm ashamed of myself.

My family is going to want updates on what has been going on. I don't know what to tell them. I've stagnated at work (or school, whatever you consider Ph.D. work to be). My own research is stuck in ethics, I'm having trouble getting volunteers for the other studies I am involved in and I have no publications to report. Then, there is the bad news about my husband's job (see yesterday's post). On top of that, I'm fat and ugly and my clothes don't fit nicely anymore. I have been gaining weight (thus why my clothes look bad), my skin is a mess and I haven't washed my hair. This is not how I want the people I care about to know me.

So you think maybe I should have put on my best clothes, gone and kept the conversation focused on them. Impossible. My cousins are the type of people who look you in the eye, ask how are you? and actually wait to hear the response. I can't avoid talking about myself a bit. So I stayed home. I missed out on my family, the fun I could have had and the memories I could have made. This makes me sad.

I should just put real clothes on and go. That's what I usually end up doing, forcing myself out the door everyday. For some reason, this time, I can't and I can't quite explain why. Just get over it I tell myself, they are your family, they will love you anyway. I know this is true, but it doesn't seem to help. I want to be successful, confident, pretty, fit and charismatic. Don't we all right? Sometimes I pretend that I am. I fool my friends and co-workers pretty well. Acting gets to be exhausting though. Family and very close friends are different. I feel guilty putting on a show for them. It's not really me after all. I'm so afraid of being less than what they expect. I don't want to disappoint them. Now you say, you are disappointing them by not going. I know that too, but it doesn't compare to the disappointment they would have in interacting with me.

The Ball of Shame that holds me hostage
So now we have fear, sadness, guilt and shame cycling through my head. Are these feelings what is keeping me housebound? Is that it, or is there more to it? I don't want that to be it. Seriously?! Feelings are stopping me from doing things? That makes me angry at myself. I think I'd feel better if there were some sort of physical barrier stopping me or someone holding me hostage.

Usually my posts are a little more upbeat. I try to talk about more positive experiences or at least experiences where I have learned something, but I'm afraid I just haven't figured this one out yet. Have any insight? I'll be sure to let you know when I do.

Sunday 16 March 2014

Stess in Life, Stress in Sleep - Most Common Anxiety Dreams

I use sleep to escape my really low points. This works for the most part, unless I have anxiety dreams. In this case, sleep is stressful, life is stressful and I wake up exhausted. Things usually spiral out of control pretty quick.

Dream research from the University of California has found continuities between dream elements and waking life. Typically, the elements represented the concerns and interests of the dreamer, suggesting that dreams do have meaning. They have also found similarities among cultures, genders and age groups. Dream interpretation is complex and individual. Two people can have similar dreams, but their life situations differ, ultimately giving different symbolism to the elements in their dream. Having an anxiety dream about a growing mass of insects could mean you have an insect phobia, or it could mean that you have a growing problem in your life. It's open to interpretation.

Here are some of the most common anxiety dreams and some interpretations of the elements in them.
My teeth fall out. I absolutely hate this one. I have it the most often. It happens slightly differently each time. So I always think OMG it's actually happening for real this time!! I'm never quite sure that it's just a dream until I've checked in the mirror and tried to wiggle a few teeth.
What it means. Apparently this one is really common. Have you had it? Teeth are often interpreted as a symbol of power. So losing them would signify a loss of control. In other cases teeth could represent losing face. Maybe you have a situation where you are worried about what others might think of you?
Unprepared for an exam. I have to write the final exam and I haven't even been to class yet. This one really makes me sweat since I am, technically, still in school. Usually it's a math exam and I haven't gone to classes because I've been too depressed. In real life, I am teaching myself statistics, so you see how confusing this can get.
What it means. This one is rather obvious. You are likely feeling unprepared for a real life situation. Often people having this dream have a lot of work-related stress.
The Car is not working. I'm in the car and I can't control it. I've had this dream since before I could actually drive. I'm in the car and it's moving forward, slowly. Sometimes there are people with me, sometimes not. Nothing in the car is working. Not the steering, not the breaks. I just keep moving forward slowly towards something...usually something that puts me into panic mode. Like on-coming traffic. With this one, I can usually figure out I'm dreaming and take back control.
What it means. This one is interpreted in different ways. Sometimes it means some part of your life is dysfunctional, like a relationship for instance. Another variation, If you are the passenger, perhaps you are uneasy relinquishing control to the driver. If you are the one in the driver's seat (this is what I dream), it could symbolize responsibility. You are not quite comfortable in the driver's seat of your own life.

I'm being chased. I've only had this one once that I can recall. You are running from someone/thing and can't get away. I imagine this scenario is often accompanied by screaming or fighting. It drives me nuts when I try to scream and it comes out at a conversational level or when you try to punch the bad guy and it all happens in slow motion. So frustrating! I usually know I'm dreaming then though and it's not so bad anymore.
What it means. The key to this one is figuring out what the pursuer represents. It is usually someone/thing you are threatened by.

I'm naked in public. I didn't start having this one until very recently. I'm usually in a bathing suit environment and have forgotten my top or something. I'm completely embarrassed, but no one seems to notice my predicament.
What it means. This usually represents a life scenario where you are feeling vulnerable, not confident or unskilled. Since no one is noticing, it may mean your feelings are unfounded. A better meaning than other dreams, but a stressful dream none the less.

I'm drowning. This one is scary. I'm underwater, running out of air and I can see the surface. I swim towards it, but I can never seem to break through. I usually wake up at this point because I've been holding my breath.
What it means. This is most often associated with being overwhelmed or denying yourself an emotion that you need to be feeling.

I'm falling. I've never had this one, but it is considered common.
What it means. It usually means you feel unsupported or out of control in a real life situation.
I see dead people. I don't mean zombies here. This is the absolute worst one I have by far! I always wake up in tears and gasping for air. I dream that my Gran has been alive all these years and no one has told me. They left me thinking she was dead. In reality, she died ten years ago this month.
What it means. I've read that seeing a dead relative means you miss them and it's a coping mechanism or a last opportunity to say goodbye. That part makes sense but, I don't really know why I would be thinking she was dead and only find out later she was still alive. I'm lost as to what that detail means. Any ideas? It really bothers me.

How do you make them stop?
There are so many methods to try. Most of them involve some form of relaxation exercise and altering you're thought patterns either before bed of during the dream. This doesn't work for me. I don't know how to relax and I can only alter my thought patterns in some dream scenarios (like the car or when I'm fighting someone). In more extreme cases, there are medications, but they stop the good dreams too and if you are like me and have your own personal pharmacy in the medicine cabinet, then you don't really want to add to it. Diet and exercise can influence your dreams too. Seems like those two factors influence everything. All you can really do is try these methods and see what works for you. Everyone is different.

What works for me? Constant, unchanging noise. The sound of a fan, rain hitting the window, the crackle of the fire, things like that. My favourite anti-anxiety dream noise is music from the Phantom of the Opera. The voices and the music blend together in such a way that nothing sticks out and it's just pleasant sound. I've never had a bad dream going to sleep to The Phantom of the Opera. I wonder if other musicals/operas would work?


Sources:
dreamresearch.net
www.dreams.ca

Saturday 15 March 2014

The Panic Devil and the Optimistic Angel

Those of you who have experienced depression know about that battle that goes on inside of yourself. It's a constant struggle between the devil and the angel on your shoulders. The devil tells you you are worthless while the angel tells you to pick yourself up and get in gear. At the end of the battle, you are left exhausted and disappointed because you can't just do what the angel says and leave the devil in the dust. It's not that simple. 



This scenario was triggered in me yesterday when the husband called after work. Bad news, that high school enrollment for next September is down and he'll likely be out of a job. He's a high school science teacher. This really threw me for a loop. I thought we were safe. He had just gotten tenure, meaning the school board would have a position for him. I guess if there are no kids to teach, they can't very well have a teaching post for him. We are a single income (his) household, so this set me into panic mode. What are we going to do? I'll have to quit my Ph.D. to get a job!

What if I did have to get a job? What would I do? I've got a M.Sc. in biology and I'm halfway through a Ph.D. in vision science. So I'm highly educated, but I have no skills and no experience. Who would hire me?  In addition, I live in Quebec and don't speak French. I knew this would come back to bite me eventually. This rules out the possibility of working in retail or service industries. I have babysitting experience, but if I handed my resume full of conference presentations and cadaver research into a daycare center, I'm pretty sure they'd laugh me out of the building.

After some major panic, throwing up and a rather nice chat with some new friends I've made through blogging (thank you!), I came back to Earth. I tried to look at the situation logically. It's not certain there wont be a job for him, so it's not worth more panic....yet. There is a possibility of me getting a government fellowship. Please provincial government, fund me! I wont know about the fellowship until next month. So I can delay more panic until then.

This is the problem with higher education. You get stuck in a small bubble with all the other competitive, highly motivated students and professors and you forget that there are destinations other than being a tenured professor. You forget that there is a whole world out there that requires skills other than being an encyclopedia for a very specific field. It becomes hard to see a relationship between your specialized training and employment in the outside world. At least this is how I was feeling when I started my second round of panic.

Just as the panic devil was about to get me going again, the angel on my other shoulder chimed in. If this were true, then there would be an awful lot more highly educated, unemployed people. Of all the things I've done in grad school, there must be some transferable skills there. I was a teaching assistant for an anatomy lab. I dissected cadavers and taught students what was what. Unless I wanted to be a serial killer, the dissecting wasn't going to help, but the teaching, that was good. I taught them about all the different nerves in the body and how to tell a vein from an artery. That's attention to detail. Another skill! I was starting to feel better. What about all my conference presentations? There's organization, communication and interpersonal skills. Alright! I was starting to feel like a rock star! Albeit, an unemployed rock star.

It's important not to look at a situation through the devil's eyes. You need to knock some sense into that angel too though. Singing empty optimism isn't going to get you anywhere. What is true about the situation? I mean solid facts, not what you think you know or what you assume others think. Facts. Since I am being forced out of my academic bubble I have to make changes. I'm going to take my set of facts (knowledge and transferable skills) and go in a different direction.

I'm feeling better about this forced change. I know it'll be hard and extremely unpleasant and part of me still wants to curl up in a ball and hide in the corner, but I know buried under all that theory, there are transferable skills. The thought of leaving my Ph.D. still breaks my heart, but I know I'm not doomed.





Friday 14 March 2014

Gratification for Surviving the Day


I often feel like I need something to look forward to get through things. I used to get really depressed during exam period in undergrad. To get through all the monotonous studying I'd pick a TV show to look forward to. If I did some good solid studying during the day, I'd stop and watch the TV show at night. I was lucky my folks had enough channels that there was always something interesting on.

I've noticed that as I've gotten older, my daily tasks have gotten bigger and bigger. Three weeks of solid studying for exams is tough by most standards, but now, getting out of bed is hard, going to work is hard, making a meal is hard. Things that I took for granted before have become daunting tasks that I need to have a reason for doing. Most of the time I rely on logic to get things done. I get out of bed because nothing will get done otherwise. I go to work because I want to finish my Ph.D. I make meals because I'll feel sick if I don't eat. Logic doesn't give me much pleasure though.

My basket of rewards has gotten smaller over the years too. TV shows no longer interest me very much and they don't feel like much of a reward after a daunting task. For a while, I was putting money aside. For everyday that I participated in and didn't hide, I'd put a little bit of money away. Eventually I'd have enough to buy myself something I wanted. That worked until I started my Ph.D. Now there is no money.

Lately I've turned to sweets as a reward. I get one of those giant cupcakes I mentioned in an earlier post once a week. They are only a few bucks or if things are too tight, I can persuade myself to bake. But now, not only am I gaining weight, but once a week isn't quite enough. I need a new reward. I've thought about trying drawing as a reward, but I already use that as an outlet for stress and a way to recharge my batteries. I can't really deny myself my drawing time if I don't participate in life for some reason. Any suggestions?

What do you look forward to? What do you use to treat yourself? Or to bribe yourself to get moving?

Thursday 13 March 2014

Misadventures with Dr. Dreamy the Psychiatrist

I'm seeing my psychiatrist today. I'm not looking forward to it. The first time I met him was years ago. My doctor sent me to him to get another opinion on anti-depressant medication. I had never been to a psychiatrist before. I was anxious, but keeping an open mind. So I went to my first appointment and it was awkward. First of all, Dr. Dreamy is very attractive and he's not much older than me. I guess I was expecting someone older and wiser, someone who wasn't a peer. The fact the he was cute and making me blush just made it that much more uncomfortable.

I had waited months and months for the appointment, so I wasn't going to bail now. I was okay talking to him about my anxiety issues. It was harder to talk to him about depression and my body image issues, but I did because I thought it was important. I had two appointments with him before I went back to my regular doctor.

It took Dr. Dreamy about two months to get back to my regular doctor about his opinion on my meds. He said the best thing for me would be Remeron. Remeron?! Are you kidding me?! Had he been listening to anything I was saying? I had basically told him I was obsessed with my weight and miserable because I was fatter than I wanted to be. I told him I was addicted to cake. Remeron is notorious for increasing appetite, especially for junk food and is one of the worst drugs for weight gain. I'm lucky I did my research ahead of time. Otherwise, I would have assumed doctor knows best and just taken what he recommended. Needless to say, I didn't go back to him.

Fast forward a few years. I passed the 25 years old marker which was disastrous. I had to stop seeing my regular doctor because I was no longer considered a youth. 25 is also the cut off for being on your parents' medical insurance, so no more private therapy. Therapy is a little expensive for a grad student. I tried the counseling services at the university, but that didn't go well. A story for another time.

So now what? I started going to a walk-in clinic to get my refills. They refused to give me more than a month's worth. So once a month I'd spend a few hours waiting at the walk-in. Yuck. I was put on a waiting list to see psychiatry (hope!). Then I found out they refer to the same practice that Dr. Dreamy was from. I made sure I requested a woman this time. Not only to avoid Dr. Dreamy, but I was hoping a women would take my body image issues more seriously. It took over 8 months to get an appointment with psych.

So I go to my appointment, feeling hopeful that I'd be able to get some real help again. I'm waiting in the waiting room and I hear my name called. I look up.....and it's Dr. Dreamy again. Doh! Apparently since I started my file with him, I have to stay with him. Unfortunately, the past few years have been good to Dr. Dreamy and he's still as cute as ever.

Since I didn't really have a choice, I gave Dr. Dreamy another chance. He seemed better this time, although talking to him is still awkward. I feel like he is actually listening now. I've gone back to him many times, with long wait times in between. Instead of telling me what medication would be best for me, he has been asking what I think would be best for me. I'm managing my own meds? Does anyone else's psychiatrist do this? At least this way I wont go on anything that causes weight gain, but I'm not a doctor, I don't really know what I'm talking about.....

Wednesday 12 March 2014

Sugar and Depression, Another Endless Cycle

Sweet or salty?

The question is easy for me. I have a sweet tooth....a mouth full of them in fact! I eat pretty healthy....protein, complex carbs, lots of vegetables...but it's the dessert. I can't say no. My obsession lately has been cake from Loblaws. They make these "critter cupcakes". It's basically a cupcake surrounded by icing. Most people can't handle the sweetness, but I love it. It's the only thing that seems to pick me up these days.
Critter Cupcake...I love these!

There have been a lot of articles recently about the food-mood connection, how blood sugar and brain chemistry are related. To my dismay, sugar is bad for you. I'm not talking about all sugar. Your body does, after all, need some sugar to function properly. I'm talking about too much sugar....like my icing. It doesn't have to be dessert to be considered too much sugar. Everyday foods like rice, bread, soda or fruit juice can put you over the top too.

People with low levels of serotonin (like those with depression) crave sugar. Too much sugar exacerbates mental health problems. Yes, another another endless cycle that those with mental illness have to fight. It's not fair is it? At least now I know why I've always been a sugar addict.

Carbohydrate cravings have been linked to lower serotonin levels. Ingesting sugar releases insulin from the pancreas. Insulin alters the ratios of amino acids in the body causing there to be more tryptophan available and less of other amino acids. This means there is less competition for tryptophan to cross the blood-brain-barrier. In the brain, tryptophan is can be converted into serotonin, the feel-good neurotransmitter that is often low in those with depression. This explains why I reach for cake as soon as I start feeling down. The relief is only temporary though. Eventually things return to normal and less tryptophan is available to be converted to serotonin. Keep in mind, this is just a fragment of a hugely complex picture.

Sugar has the potential to be addicting too. The more you eat it, the more you crave it. Sugar floods the brain with another feel-good neurotransmitter, dopamine. Studies have show that sugar activates the same areas of the brain as cocaine and we all know how addictive cocaine is known to be. How's that for scary?

There are 3 potential mechanisms through which too much sugar can be a burden on mental health.
  1. Insulin and leptin resistance. Insulin resistance can impair signaling between brain cells. You know that foggy feeling you get when you are feeling low. You can't really concentrate and you're having trouble remembering things....insulin resistance contributes to that. Leptin is released to tell the brain you are full, building up a resistance can lead to constant overeating which leads to weight gain. And that always makes us feel great about ourselves right?

  2. Chronic inflammation. Too much sugar triggers a set of reactions that lead to a low level of chronic inflammation. This doesn't cause problems right away, but in the long term, chronic inflammation leads to things like heart disease, Alzheimer's and macular degeneration. Inflammation in the brain is also thought to exacerbate depression.
     
  3. Less Brain-derived Neurotrophic Factor (BDNF). BDNF is necessary for healthy neurons. Sugar suppresses the production of BDNF. Studies comparing those with depression to those without have found that generally, people with depression have significantly lower levels of BDNF. So sugar just lowers it even more. Ugh!
 So I guess sugar is my best friend and my worst enemy. Sigh, maybe I'll think twice about having my critter cupcake this week. Or maybe I'll just join a Google+ baking community and drool over their creations instead.
Cookie Monster Critter Cupcake

Sources:
Neurology
Diabetes Care
Food for the Brain


Tuesday 11 March 2014

Today I have a migraine (not really)


Today I'm not feeling great. I have a migraine.....or at least that's what I'm going to tell everyone. I do get migraines and they are terrible, but I don't get them as often as I say I do. Why am I fibbing? Because people understand migraines and like depression, the symptoms are invisible. If you've had one, you can relate to it and if you haven't, you know they are terrible and render you nonfunctional. Today I am nonfunctional, not because of a migraine, because I am depressed.

If you say, I can't go to work today, I'm depressed. People don't get it unless they've been there. They expect you to suck it up and get on with your day. Sometimes you just can't. If you have a migraine, it's all poor you, put your head down and rest. For some reason the invisible symptoms of a migraine are more acceptable than those of depression.

When I have a real migraine, my head hurts. It's an unbelievable pain, I imagine its how one of the looney toons must feel after having an anvil dropped on their head. The pain makes me nauseous and I am sensitive to light and sound. All I can do is lie in a cool dark room. The only thing that seems to help is sleep.

Depression is kind of similar, on a bad day, my whole body aches, protests to every movement. I get nauseous too. Not because of the pain, but because I'm so disgusted with myself. I am extra sensitive as well. I can't be around people because they'll see through me and discover I'm not worth the air I breathe. How are you supposed to make friendly conversation when all you can think about is how much you hate yourself. If I can't make regular conversation, how am I supposed to work. As a grad student, my work is thinking. When I am down, my brain gets foggy. I have trouble connecting thoughts and remembering things. I feel broken. It's like someone took my brain and left this empty shell behind. I feel guilty for not telling the truth, but I feel like people understand better this way.

What do you do when you just can't face the world?

Monday 10 March 2014

Zentangles for getting over the fear of making mistakes

When I was younger, I fancied myself an artist. I never went a day without doodling something. As I got older, that all changed. I stopped drawing and it wasn't until recently I realized why I stopped. I hate making mistakes!

Well who likes making mistakes right? No one. I let my fear of making mistakes stop me from doing something I enjoyed. Drawing suddenly became something stressful so I started avoiding it. This became a trend. I let the fear of making mistakes stop me from doing a lot of things....my fears started to affect my work, my relationships and my well-being. Something had to change.

Mistakes are part of life, they are unavoidable and the sooner you accept that, the better. The key to living through mistakes is to not let the situation get out of control. You can make A LOT of mistakes before you lose control. This made sense to me, so I decided to start small. Applying this thinking to drawing makes it seem silly to have stopped. Being creative is allowing yourself to make mistakes. It is the mistakes that make your work unique.

To get back into drawing, I started with zentangles. What is a zentangle? It's a method of drawing structured, repetitive patterns. Repetitive = relaxation and focus. I find it's a good way to clear your head. When you look at a zentangle for the first time, it looks complicated. The whole idea behind zentangles is that you can do anything, but one step at a time. You focus on the patterns, not your preconceived idea of what the final result should be. Without an expectation in mind, it is easier to make mistakes.

I've been doing zentangles for a while. It has helped. It has made it easier to start doodling again. I'm hoping to apply this to the rest of life. I think breaking things into smaller steps will make tasks less overwhelming and not being so rigid about the outcome will keep me from being disappointed and hating myself when I do make mistakes.

"Don't carry your mistakes around with you. Instead, place them under your feet and use them as stepping stones... "

One of my zentangle circles


Here's how to do a zentangle:
  1. Start with a blank piece of paper. Traditional zentangles are 3.5" by 3.5". You can do whole pages if you want, but the small size is much less intimidating.
  2. Make four dots, one in each corner of the paper.
  3. Connect the dots using straight lines, wavy lines or create a shape.
  4. Draw lines through your outline. This creates sections.
  5. Choose a tangle to fill in a section. There are so many to choose from. I use this site as my tangle pattern library: http://tanglepatterns.com/tag/zentangle They show you a pattern and the step-by-step instructions to draw it for yourself.
  6. Use a different tangle in each section.

Saturday 8 March 2014

I'm Fine.


Do you hide behind "I'm fine."? I do. Four days without medication. This pretty much sums it up today.

Friday 7 March 2014

Super Pets - How your pet can help rescue you from depression

I didn't have pets growing up, so I never understood the bond you could have with an animal. The closest thing I had ever had to a pet was the mealworm I brought home as third grade science homework to learn about metamorphosis. My folks adopted two cats, sisters, just before I moved out. So I guess technically they were my first pets, but it wasn't until Ewok that I really got it. This post is about how Ewok has helped me get through some of the rough patches.

1. Interaction.
Sandpaper kisses from Ewok
It doesn't really matter what kind of pet you have for this one. As long as you can pat them, play with them or watch them. They can provide a distraction, getting you thinking about something other than the big black hole you are in. Research has shown that spending just 20 minutes with your pet can lower cortisol, the stress hormone, levels and elevate serotonin. You can talk to them too. They may not respond, but they can listen and it sure beats talking to yourself. So let it all out, they'll stay by your side.

2. Purring.
Obviously this is just for the lucky people who have cats. I love listening to Ewok purring. Cats purr at a frequency of 25Hz, the same frequency that is used to help heal wounds faster in humans (reference). The rhythmic sound Ewok makes often helps me sleep. When I'm tossing and turning or my mind is racing, I put her beside my pillow and focus on the sound she is making. This usually helps me drift off. I'm assuming her purring means she is content which means I am doing something right. This gives me a peaceful feeling, allowing me to sleep. How do I get her to stay? I'm lucky she just likes to sleep with me every night. Unfortunately her favourite spot to sleep is on my face. So if I want her to stay, I have to wait until she is sleepy and then I can position her like putty.

3. Exercise.
This makes more sense if you have a dog. Obviously, you have to walk the dog. Ewok is unique, but I don't take her for a walk. She's an indoor cat. Ewok and I do yoga together. Yes, you read that last sentence right. Yoga. Every time I do a workout video, I get out my yoga mat and I have to get Ewok's mat out for her too. If I don't workout often enough, she starts to remind me to get to it.

Kitty yoga time on her very own mat
Let me explain. I do workout videos at home for which I use a yoga mat. I would start my workout and Ewok would be there......batting my ponytail as I did sit-ups, climbing under me as I did push-ups and weaving in and out of my legs as I did squats. Not to mention scratching my mat to pieces. She was driving me nuts and making it impossible to workout at home. One day I got fed up with her antics and her scratching, so I got out another mat, only half hoping she'd stay on the old one and leave me alone. To my surprise, she did! She loves that ridiculous hot pink mat! Without me in the way she was free to scratch and roll and contort herself all over it. So now we workout together. Me on my mat, Ewok on hers. If I haven't worked out in a while she'll head over to where I keep the mats and start scratching her pink one. Hey Mum, workout time!

4. Curbing the loneliness.
Ewok watching for me to come home
Spending time with Ewok makes me feel better. Petting her, playing with her or listening to her purr gives me something else to focus on. Also, she needs me. As much as she'd like to think she was a ferocious little beast that could take care of herself, she can't. She needs me, her little world revolves around me. It's nice to be needed. Ewok is going to want me around and love me regardless of my mood, whether or not I got that grant for my research and despite my eating the whole chocolate cake. Pet love is unconditional, that's a reason to keep going.

5. Creativity.
Your pet may inspire creativity whether it be through art, photography or writing. Maybe you capture a look that you can interpret since you don't really know what they are thinking. Or perhaps they inject some humor in among the darkness. Currently, I'm starting to get that heavy feeling from being without my medication. I'm not in a smiling mood, but here I am writing a post about Ewok and her ridiculous yoga mat and its already making me feel a little lighter. You don't have to be some kind of artist for your pet to inspire creativity either. What about homemade treats or toys? Decorations or bedding for a cage? I know it seems insignificant, but anything to distract you from over-thinking and and getting into that negative snowballing effect will help.
Baby Ewok
If you can't have a pet for some reason, you can still benefit. I'm sure you have friends or relatives with pets that you can visit. If you are open to a little more commitment, you can also volunteer to walk neighbourhood dogs or work at the local animal shelter. For a less committed interaction try a bird feeder in the backyard or even going to the zoo could provide a nice distraction.

Thursday 6 March 2014

A Belize Homeymoon - Ruins, Adventure and Caves - Oh My!

Since I'm still feeling ok today, I thought I'd write about something more upbeat. Who knows what tomorrow is going to be like since I don't have my meds with me. I've been reliving my honeymoon today. I'm in Toronto at my sister-in-law's place and her daughter (who is two) is really interested in travel. She wants to go to the ocean, see lions, fly on an air plane and see a tropical forest. So my husband and I were showing her pictures from our honeymoon in Belize. I know everyone says their honeymoon was amazing, but wow, ours was just wow. It was the perfect combination of adventure and relaxation.

We were away for two weeks, one week in the Belize jungle (at the Sleeping Giant; http://www.sleepinggiantbelize.com/) and one week on the beach (Jaguar Reef). The beach was nice and relaxing. It wasn't super crowded, our room was beautiful and the beach was great for walking on. I even went on my first snorkel trip! I want to tell you more about the Sleeping Giant in the jungle though. That was the real wow part of the trip.

The Sleeping Giant Rainforest Lodge in Belize; paradise
The Sleeping Giant Rainforest Lodge is an all-inclusive boutique resort. We stayed for a week and got all our meals, drinks and three adventure trips in. We were picked up from the airport by the resort and had a nice drive through the countryside. Belize was my first trip to a third world country, so the drive was a little shocking. The towns were very small and the buildings were falling apart. We came to a sign on the road for the resort and turned onto a skinny little dirt road with more sketchy looking buildings. I remember thinking what have I gotten myself into. We drove a little further down the road and then BAM! Everything changed. The gravel road wasn't scary anymore, the grass and flowers were beautifully manicured and a gorgeous well-kept building loomed up before us. We were in a tropical paradise.

Wednesday 5 March 2014

Road Trip and Withdrawal

Road Trip!!

I was actually looking forward to the change in scenery. I got up early enough to get in a workout before hitting the road at 8am. The drive from Montreal to Toronto isn't that exciting. You go straight...for about 5 hours. At least there is no chance of getting lost. The major highlight making this trip as a kid was the giant apple on the side of the highway just outside of Toronto. They call it The Big Apple and sell all sorts of apple items, pies in particular. I've never stopped there, but who knows, maybe I will this time.

So I was enjoying my road trip with the husband until we got to Cornwall. Cornwall is about half an hour outside Montreal. I realized I had forgotten all my medication. When you are on anti-depressants and they tell you not to go cold turkey, it's not something to be taken lightly. So much for my little getaway. I'll be okay today and tomorrow, but after that the flood gates will open, my negative feelings and self-loathing will return. My brain just wont work right anymore. The way I think and what makes sense completely changes when I'm off medication. I've left my meds behind often enough to know that this is what happens. I know my thoughts are distorted and I shouldn't take them seriously, but its still no comfort, I still have to fight the demons. It gets harder to concentrate on things, to smile, to make conversation and normal routine tasks like brushing my teeth or taking a shower suddenly become insurmountable. Forget going to work or out with friends. That's what I was planning to do on Saturday, go out with friends from elementary school. I hope I'll still be able to handle that by Saturday.

Going cold turkey on some meds is easier than on others. It also depends on your brain chemistry. What I'll be going through in the next few days will be rough, but I'll manage. I wont be wishing I could slam my car into a tree or anything. It is like that sometimes when you suddenly stop. When I was on Effexor and I ran out it, was scary! I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't leave the house and I was wishing that I could go to sleep and never wake up. I also got a really strange withdrawal symptom.....shocks. You know when you shut the car door in the summer, sometimes you get shocked. It was like that, but happening in my head. It was really disruptive and uncomfortable. It's hard to carry on a conversation with that going on in your head. So weird.

I ran out of medication a few times while I was on Effexor. I didn't have a regular doctor and prescription refills aren't exactly top priority at the walk-ins. Because of the horrible withdrawal and all the other uncomfortable side effects (stomach upsets, dry mouth, loss of libido, tremors and excessive sweating) I ended up switching medications. Effexor was both the best and the worst medication I have been on. It gave me a lot more energy, I even lost weight, but the side effects and withdrawal were too steep a price to pay.

Tuesday 4 March 2014

Discounting the positive

I am so guilty of this. I never realize I am doing it until I look back on the situation months later. When I say discounting the positive, I don't mean just negative thinking. When you have depression it's just natural to look on the negative side of everything. That kind of thinking is hard to reverse in of itself, but discounting the positive is taking it one step further. When your experience contradicts your negative outlook, you go as far as to discredit the good that's happening by saying it doesn't count.

I'm sure I do this regularly for little things, but when I catch myself having done it for a big thing, I get annoyed with myself. Last summer I found out that I won a fellowship I applied for. It was from the Canadian National Institute for the Blind (CNIB). I should have patted myself on the back. A national agency liked my research proposal enough to fund it. I should have taken advantage of that moment and celebrated it. It's not an everyday occurrence that you get funded, especially in my field. But no, not me, I didn't celebrate. I said to myself, I guess no one else applied this year and that's why I got it. *face palm* I even waited a few weeks to tell my supervisor the news. She was wondering why I wasn't doing the happy dance all over the place.

I expected not to get the fellowship, so when I did, I told myself it doesn't count because no one else applied. In doing that, I completely disregarded the good in the situation taking away the potential happiness it could have given me. Instead, I felt sorry for myself being their only choice. Now that I look back, what was I thinking?! First of all, I have no idea who applied and second, who cares. If my research proposal wasn't good they wouldn't have given me the fellowship. It's not like these nonprofits just throw money at people.

So now, almost eight months later, I will be a little proud of myself. I'll celebrate by putting another check mark in the I'm not such a loser after all box. It's never too late to be happy about something. It doesn't have to be something big-ish like this either. The small victories count too. I have been told at the end of everyday, I should take inventory and write down something good that happened, no matter how small. I have been trying to remember to do this and it does help a little. Today, I got to sleep past 7am. I'm going to relish in that for a little while.


Monday 3 March 2014

Don't forget to smile

It's the beginning of a week off. It's not really a week off. As a grad student, the work never really stops. I've got some statistical analyses I have to figure out how to do, an article to write, a conference poster to design, ethics to respond to, students to supervise, literature to read, plus everything that I'm forgetting. At least for march break the university quiets down and my supervisor goes away giving me a chance to catch up on my to-do list. I don't have to be at the university this week. No long commute, hooray!

It's more than the commute though. I guess I have a bit of social anxiety. I don't have to talk to anyone, I don't have to look good, I don't have to be judged, I don't have to put on a happy face. The happy face part is the most exhausting. I have to remember to smile. It doesn't come naturally to me. It never has. As a kid, one of my teachers called me "Smiley" because I never smiled. Don't get me wrong, I don't have "resting b*tch face" as my wedding photographer so eloquently put it. "Resting b*tch face" is when your face relaxes into a scowl. That's just the way some people are at rest, they can't help it. That's not me, I look like a "nice" person. I hate the word "nice". That'll be a rant for another day though. I've been told I just look a little sad or a little serious. If I forget about the smiling thing for too long people start to ask questions and I'd just rather not get into it. What am I supposed to say? The Truth? People can't handle the truth. So I wear my smile to ward them off.

"Just smile, you'll feel better." If I had a dime for every time I've heard that.... They mean well, I know, but, it annoys me. Apparently it works though, it has actually been confirmed by research. Pyschological Science published a study on how smiling can reduce stress levels. Even Mother Teresa said "Peace begins with a smile." I wonder if she meant to cover inner peace with that statement too. Scientific American says that facial expressions reflect how we feel, but that causality can work in the opposite direction too. Emotions can be reinforced and perhaps driven by facial expression.  (http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/smile-it-could-make-you-happier/)

I'm not one to dispute research, but I'm skeptical. It has never worked for me. Forcing a smile has just made me tired. Does it work for you?

Sunday 2 March 2014

Stepping out of the comfort zone

First blog post. What to write? Of course, I googled this. Most articles suggested that I introduce myself, explain why I am blogging and what I will be blogging about. Obvious, right? The scientist in me likes to have a procedure to go by.

My name is Cait. I'm a scientist, currently working on my Ph.D. Sometimes I love it and sometimes I wonder what I was thinking when I started. I suppose that's normal though. I am blogging because I thought it might be good for me....sort of like an inexpensive form of talk therapy. I have depression. Sometimes I gracefully hide it and sometimes I crash and burn. I'm medicated, I've tried various forms of psychotherapy and I think I've come to the conclusion that this isn't going to go away. I need to learn to manage it and live with it everyday. I'm not the only one though. I find comfort in being able to relate to people going through the same thing. Maybe sharing my experiences with depression will help me get through it and maybe someone else will find comfort in being able to relate to me. That's the idea anyway.