About the Scribbler

I'm Cait. Thanks for taking the time to stop by.

I'm a lot of things. I'm a Ph.D. candidate, a newlywed, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a perfectionist, an introvert, a doodler, a scientist, a volunteer, a cake lover, a fitness wannabe, a scrapbooker, a listener, a lab manager, a mentor AND I have depression. There are a lot of other things I want to be too. Most of the time I am just overwhelmed and I only get it half right...but at least I try. That's what counts.

This blog is mainly for my own benefit. It's my way of keeping track of life, especially the good things. Sometimes I need a reminder that I have had happy times and no matter how bad I feel they will always come again. I also find comfort in being able to relate to people going through similar experiences, so maybe sharing my experiences with life and depression will help someone else like it does me. That's the idea anyway. I hope you find something you can relate to here.
This is me.
My Story

I started treatment for depression in 2006. I was 21. It started long before that though. I think I was born hating myself. It's in my genes. Mental illness runs on both sides of my family. I was very serious as a child. People would say I was moody, which I suppose was true, but it was more than that. I had terrible stomach aches and threw up a lot when I was younger. I guess I didn't understand how I was feeling so it manifested physically. As I got older, the physical symptoms waned, I developed body image issues and the moods got harder for me to handle. People started to comment on my moods and recommended that I talk to someone. I didn't want to. I didn't know anyone with mental health problems back then, I didn't know about the cases in my own family. I was ignorant. To me, people with depression couldn't function in society, they had real, traumatic problems. That wasn't me.

What brought me to my breaking point? I'm a little embarrassed to say....it was a boy. I was already miserable, socializing was too hard, I wasn't sleeping, very little seemed to matter anymore. I was in denial. Then, my best friend (the boy) moved across the world to pursue his dreams. We tried, but without email and only the occasional really expensive phone call, we couldn't make it work. I felt so alone and nothing mattered, not even school, which I had always worked so hard to excel at. So what was the point of going forward? It's difficult for me to describe, but I was in a very dark place and I didn't know which end was up, in fact, I didn't care about finding up anymore. That scared me into talking to someone. And so started my journey through our broken health care system.

Does my story have a happy ending? Well, it's still in progress. That's a good thing. Depression is something I'm going to have to live with and work with everyday. My good news is that seven years later, I am functional and I have married that boy that moved across the world. We live in a little condo with our cat, Ewok. He is my rock and Ewok wants to be around me no matter how toxic I feel. Having them is a big help.

I have tried a variety of different medications and different combinations of them. They don't work for everyone, but I notice a difference when I am on meds. Side effects aren't fun, some meds are worse than others, but my moods are more stable, the lows aren't as low, the highs are more like neutrals. It's not ideal and I still have to work hard, but I am functional and I'm thankful for that. I've had good and bad experiences with counseling. I've tried a variety of different methods with a variety of people having different qualifications. It has helped, I've learned a lot. It doesn't fix things, but I can recognize and manage my anxiety and perfectionist tendencies a lot better. I have to remind myself that it is ok to make mistakes and it's ok to feel the way I feel sometimes. I have depression, it does not have me.

I'd be happy to share experiences with meds or therapy if that would be a help to anyone. You can contact me here or via email (jabberwockey17 AT gmail.com)



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