Sugaring Off

In Canada, you know spring has arrived when you see smoke rising from the maple wood forests. No, we aren't burning the trees down. We're collecting sap and boiling it to make maple syrup. It's sugaring off season! Have you ever had real maple syrup? I don't mean corn syrup or Aunt Jemima. I mean the real stuff... straight out of a maple tree and boiled to perfection. Once you've had it, there's no going back.

Sugaring off entails going to one of the maple syrup making establishments. They aren't factories. They are little wooden shacks in the middle of the woods. A horse and wagon ride is usually required to get you into the woods. You get a demonstration on how the sap is collected and made into syrup and the associated maple products (taffy, maple sugar, maple butter, fudge etc.) There is usually a bonfire, some folk entertainment and activities for the kids. Of course there's lunch too....Canadian specialties accompanied by maple syrup and sugar pie for dessert. Sugar pie is basically maple fudge on a pie crust, except the fudge is the same consistency as the goo in pecan pie.You can only get sugar pie in Quebec. I've lived in Ontario, it's just not the same.

This past weekend was my first sugaring off experience in a really long time. I was feeling fine when I agreed to go, but as the date approached, I began my descent into doom and gloom. I was dreading the sugaring off experience for all the usual reasons depressed people dread outings, but on top of that, an extra worry. I was going with the in-laws.

I'm very lucky. I get along quite well with my in-laws. They don't know about my depression and anxiety problems though. My husband told me one time that his mother didn't believe in mental illnesses like depression, so I thought it best to keep the in-laws in the dark. This can be a bit of a burden sometimes. When you are feeling this low, the last thing you want to do is put energy into hiding it. I was relieved when I awoke on the day of to find a blizzard. Maybe it would be cancelled and I could stay home. I don't know why I thought that. This is Quebec, we don't call in the army when it snows. We shrug and start digging!

So as I put on my blizzard gear, I went through my acting check list to make sure I was ready. I like lists, can you tell? Here's my strategy for faking it when I need to.

1. I smile. I hide behind a smile when I don't want people to know how I am really feeling. I usually don't feel like smiling. I try to have a joke or something in my head that I can't help but smile a little. Lately I've been singing the Lego Movie song, it works well for me. "Everything is awesome..." I didn't have to sing in the end, I was so bundled up that you couldn't tell if I was smiling or not! Score!
2. I redirect the conversation. If someone asks how I am, I say fine and then switch the conversation to something about them. Something more than how are you. I ask about their work or their kids for example. People like to talk about themselves. They never notice that I've redirected the conversation.
3. I try to look healthy. I slap on a little tinted moisturizer and some foundation to cover the darkness under my eyes and I'm good to go. There is nothing like a pale face or bags under your eyes to make people ask questions. I imagine doing this would be easier for women. For guys, or at least the ones that don't wear make-up, there is a little more preparation involved. I would make sure to get a good night's sleep the night before and stay hydrated. This keeps you looking fresh.
4. I like to have support. I told my husband how I was feeling. Having someone know was a relief on its own. Throughout the day he would send me little smiles and put his arm around me. It made it easier knowing he was there to back me up.
5. I don't give details. I say I'm just not feeling right if someone asks why I am quieter than usual or something. Giving details leads to thinking, which usually leads to tears. Never a good thing when you are trying to hide it.
6. I give myself a break. It's okay not to be the life of the party or hide it perfectly. I'm participating, I didn't flake despite really wanting to. I have to give myself a little pat on the back for that.

Overcoming the Perfectionist Attitude

Hi. I'm the Somber Scribbler and I'm a perfectionist.

Perfectionism is not only annoying, it's often the cause of low self-esteem and anxiety. Perfectionists have unrealistically high expectations of themselves, others, or life in general. They are often highly focused on details, particularly the negatives and they tend to discount the positives. Are you a perfectionist? Here are some of the signs....

• You are motivated by fear of failure or sense of duty. I should, I must, I have to...
• You are critical of every effort. Your accomplishments never satisfy you, you have to be number one.
• You have to earn your self-esteem. You must be accomplished or you wont be loved or accepted by others.
• You are terrified by failure. If you don't reach your goal, you think you are a failure as a human being.
• You must always be in strong control of your emotions, otherwise you might be seen as weak.
• You tend to think in two categories (black and white, success and failure) rather than on a continuum.
• You make conclusions that go beyond a situation. If it happened once, it will always happen.

Sound like you? It sure sounds like me. There are tips all over the place about how to get over it. For example, make more realistic goals, stop focusing on the little negatives, don't discount the positive stuff and find more pleasure in life. It's good advice, but how do you do that? It's hard to just turn off that black and white thinking when you've been doing it your whole life.

I want to share some painfully obvious things that I have realized lately. Reminding myself of these things has helped me to be more successful in following the anti-perfectionist tips.

Existence = Worth
Society measures our worth by outer achievements, so that's how I measure my own worth. How much education do I have? How many friends do I have? How much money do I have? How thin am I? Sounds about right, right? Wrong! Your worth is a given just because you exist. People give pets and plants worth just for being there. Why shouldn't we give ourselves the same treatment?

Mistakes Are ok as Long as You Are Still in Control
You are human, you make mistakes. You probably make several a day (I do!) and that's ok. They are not worth dwelling on. It just gives you more anxiety. There is no learning without mistakes. I know you've heard that before and it's not that comforting, but what about this? Think about how many mistakes you can make before you lose control of the situation. There's a lot of room for error there. Feel better? I do.

Would you Demand the Same From Your Best Friend?
I applied to optometry school out of high school. I didn't get in. I hated myself. Would I hate my friend if she didn't get in? No. Would I feel bad for her? Yes. It's ok to be disappointed because of set backs, but don't let it turn into something as extreme as self-loathing.

The Right Perspective
Perfectionists tend to focus on mistakes that have minute consequences let alone any real long term effects. This mistake you made feels crappy right now, but will it matter next month? Next year? I know you want to kick me for saying that. It doesn't make you feel better right now, but it does put things in perspective. I failed my driver's test several times. I was devastated. Does it matter now? No. Does it affect my life in the long run? No. It wasn't worth all the anxiety I had over it.

Stop and Smell the Roses
Perfectionists are often rigid and self-denying. You can't keep giving 100% without recharging your batteries. Make time to do something you enjoy. I got to the point where I didn't enjoy anything anymore. Everything stressed me out. I realized it was because I was focusing on the finish line and not on the process. My favourite pass-time was drawing and I stopped doing it because I wasn't any good at it. I was so focused on what my artwork looked like in the end that I forgot it was the drawing part that I enjoyed. Focus on the process.

When I remind myself of these things I find it easier to follow the tips on how not to be a perfectionist. I'm still a perfectionist, but I'm working on it. Thinking in black and white and focusing on the negative is still automatic, but remembering these points helps me talk myself out of it and it has reduced my anxiety by leaps and bounds. I hope it can be of some use to you too.

The Ball of Shame

Happy St. Patty's!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

My Dad's side of the family is Irish. We've been in Canada for generations, but one of my great uncles still had an Irish accent. It was awesome. I live in Montreal and we have a rather large, close-knit Irish community. There are St. Patrick's Day Galas, a pageant to select the Queen of the Parade, special Irish breakfasts, everything and everyone downtown turns green and the Irish pubs go nuts! People are all dressed up in crazy outfits and drinking green beer on the streets. It's actually a lot of fun.

My cousin runs the pageant. She was queen once herself. It's not a typical pageant. It's more like a public speaking contest. Contestants have to introduce themselves and their Irish background. They prepare a speech on Irish history or literature and they have to answer a current events question on the spot. Whoever is elected queen gets a trip to Ireland, leads the parade and spends the year volunteering in the Irish community. It's a pretty good program.

It has become a tradition for my family to watch the parade together and then retire to my aunt and uncle's place for Irish coffee and food. Every year we gather on the same street corner to watch. Kids, adults, dogs, the lot of us, plus our friends. There is usually about 25 of us.

Yesterday was parade day.....and I didn't go. It's not that I didn't want to. I enjoy the parade, especially the music. I even bought a green sweater to wear for the occasion! It's also been a while since I've seen my extended family. I'm dying to see them. So what's the problem? I don't want them to see me. Do you ever feel that way? It's kind of a weird state to be in. It's not like I have anxiety about it or don't have the energy for it, which is usually the case. Maybe ashamed is the right word? I'm ashamed of myself.

My family is going to want updates on what has been going on. I don't know what to tell them. I've stagnated at work (or school, whatever you consider Ph.D. work to be). My own research is stuck in ethics, I'm having trouble getting volunteers for the other studies I am involved in and I have no publications to report. Then, there is the bad news about my husband's job (see yesterday's post). On top of that, I'm fat and ugly and my clothes don't fit nicely anymore. I have been gaining weight (thus why my clothes look bad), my skin is a mess and I haven't washed my hair. This is not how I want the people I care about to know me.

So you think maybe I should have put on my best clothes, gone and kept the conversation focused on them. Impossible. My cousins are the type of people who look you in the eye, ask how are you? and actually wait to hear the response. I can't avoid talking about myself a bit. So I stayed home. I missed out on my family, the fun I could have had and the memories I could have made. This makes me sad.

I should just put real clothes on and go. That's what I usually end up doing, forcing myself out the door everyday. For some reason, this time, I can't and I can't quite explain why. Just get over it I tell myself, they are your family, they will love you anyway. I know this is true, but it doesn't seem to help. I want to be successful, confident, pretty, fit and charismatic. Don't we all right? Sometimes I pretend that I am. I fool my friends and co-workers pretty well. Acting gets to be exhausting though. Family and very close friends are different. I feel guilty putting on a show for them. It's not really me after all. I'm so afraid of being less than what they expect. I don't want to disappoint them. Now you say, you are disappointing them by not going. I know that too, but it doesn't compare to the disappointment they would have in interacting with me.

The Ball of Shame that holds me hostage

So now we have fear, sadness, guilt and shame cycling through my head. Are these feelings what is keeping me housebound? Is that it, or is there more to it? I don't want that to be it. Seriously?! Feelings are stopping me from doing things? That makes me angry at myself. I think I'd feel better if there were some sort of physical barrier stopping me or someone holding me hostage.

Usually my posts are a little more upbeat. I try to talk about more positive experiences or at least experiences where I have learned something, but I'm afraid I just haven't figured this one out yet. Have any insight? I'll be sure to let you know when I do.

Gratification for Surviving the Day

I often feel like I need something to look forward to get through things. I used to get really depressed during exam period in undergrad. To get through all the monotonous studying I'd pick a TV show to look forward to. If I did some good solid studying during the day, I'd stop and watch the TV show at night. I was lucky my folks had enough channels that there was always something interesting on.

I've noticed that as I've gotten older, my daily tasks have gotten bigger and bigger. Three weeks of solid studying for exams is tough by most standards, but now, getting out of bed is hard, going to work is hard, making a meal is hard. Things that I took for granted before have become daunting tasks that I need to have a reason for doing. Most of the time I rely on logic to get things done. I get out of bed because nothing will get done otherwise. I go to work because I want to finish my Ph.D. I make meals because I'll feel sick if I don't eat. Logic doesn't give me much pleasure though.

My basket of rewards has gotten smaller over the years too. TV shows no longer interest me very much and they don't feel like much of a reward after a daunting task. For a while, I was putting money aside. For everyday that I participated in and didn't hide, I'd put a little bit of money away. Eventually I'd have enough to buy myself something I wanted. That worked until I started my Ph.D. Now there is no money.

Lately I've turned to sweets as a reward. I get one of those giant cupcakes I mentioned in an earlier post once a week. They are only a few bucks or if things are too tight, I can persuade myself to bake. But now, not only am I gaining weight, but once a week isn't quite enough. I need a new reward. I've thought about trying drawing as a reward, but I already use that as an outlet for stress and a way to recharge my batteries. I can't really deny myself my drawing time if I don't participate in life for some reason. Any suggestions?

What do you look forward to? What do you use to treat yourself? Or to bribe yourself to get moving?

Today I have a migraine (not really)

Today I'm not feeling great. I have a migraine.....or at least that's what I'm going to tell everyone. I do get migraines and they are terrible, but I don't get them as often as I say I do. Why am I fibbing? Because people understand migraines and like depression, the symptoms are invisible. If you've had one, you can relate to it and if you haven't, you know they are terrible and render you nonfunctional. Today I am nonfunctional, not because of a migraine, because I am depressed.

If you say, I can't go to work today, I'm depressed. People don't get it unless they've been there. They expect you to suck it up and get on with your day. Sometimes you just can't. If you have a migraine, it's all poor you, put your head down and rest. For some reason the invisible symptoms of a migraine are more acceptable than those of depression.

When I have a real migraine, my head hurts. It's an unbelievable pain, I imagine its how one of the looney toons must feel after having an anvil dropped on their head. The pain makes me nauseous and I am sensitive to light and sound. All I can do is lie in a cool dark room. The only thing that seems to help is sleep.

Depression is kind of similar, on a bad day, my whole body aches, protests to every movement. I get nauseous too. Not because of the pain, but because I'm so disgusted with myself. I am extra sensitive as well. I can't be around people because they'll see through me and discover I'm not worth the air I breathe. How are you supposed to make friendly conversation when all you can think about is how much you hate yourself. If I can't make regular conversation, how am I supposed to work. As a grad student, my work is thinking. When I am down, my brain gets foggy. I have trouble connecting thoughts and remembering things. I feel broken. It's like someone took my brain and left this empty shell behind. I feel guilty for not telling the truth, but I feel like people understand better this way.

What do you do when you just can't face the world?

Zentangles for getting over the fear of making mistakes

When I was younger, I fancied myself an artist. I never went a day without doodling something. As I got older, that all changed. I stopped drawing and it wasn't until recently I realized why I stopped. I hate making mistakes!

Well who likes making mistakes right? No one. I let my fear of making mistakes stop me from doing something I enjoyed. Drawing suddenly became something stressful so I started avoiding it. This became a trend. I let the fear of making mistakes stop me from doing a lot of things....my fears started to affect my work, my relationships and my well-being. Something had to change.

Mistakes are part of life, they are unavoidable and the sooner you accept that, the better. The key to living through mistakes is to not let the situation get out of control. You can make A LOT of mistakes before you lose control. This made sense to me, so I decided to start small. Applying this thinking to drawing makes it seem silly to have stopped. Being creative is allowing yourself to make mistakes. It is the mistakes that make your work unique.

To get back into drawing, I started with zentangles. What is a zentangle? It's a method of drawing structured, repetitive patterns. Repetitive = relaxation and focus. I find it's a good way to clear your head. When you look at a zentangle for the first time, it looks complicated. The whole idea behind zentangles is that you can do anything, but one step at a time. You focus on the patterns, not your preconceived idea of what the final result should be. Without an expectation in mind, it is easier to make mistakes.

I've been doing zentangles for a while. It has helped. It has made it easier to start doodling again. I'm hoping to apply this to the rest of life. I think breaking things into smaller steps will make tasks less overwhelming and not being so rigid about the outcome will keep me from being disappointed and hating myself when I do make mistakes.

"Don't carry your mistakes around with you. Instead, place them under your feet and use them as stepping stones... "

One of my zentangle circles

Here's how to do a zentangle:

1. Start with a blank piece of paper. Traditional zentangles are 3.5" by 3.5". You can do whole pages if you want, but the small size is much less intimidating.
2. Make four dots, one in each corner of the paper.
3. Connect the dots using straight lines, wavy lines or create a shape.
4. Draw lines through your outline. This creates sections.
5. Choose a tangle to fill in a section. There are so many to choose from. I use this site as my tangle pattern library: http://tanglepatterns.com/tag/zentangle They show you a pattern and the step-by-step instructions to draw it for yourself.
6. Use a different tangle in each section.

Super Pets - How your pet can help rescue you from depression

I didn't have pets growing up, so I never understood the bond you could have with an animal. The closest thing I had ever had to a pet was the mealworm I brought home as third grade science homework to learn about metamorphosis. My folks adopted two cats, sisters, just before I moved out. So I guess technically they were my first pets, but it wasn't until Ewok that I really got it. This post is about how Ewok has helped me get through some of the rough patches.

1. Interaction.

Sandpaper kisses from Ewok

It doesn't really matter what kind of pet you have for this one. As long as you can pat them, play with them or watch them. They can provide a distraction, getting you thinking about something other than the big black hole you are in. Research has shown that spending just 20 minutes with your pet can lower cortisol, the stress hormone, levels and elevate serotonin. You can talk to them too. They may not respond, but they can listen and it sure beats talking to yourself. So let it all out, they'll stay by your side.

2. Purring.
Obviously this is just for the lucky people who have cats. I love listening to Ewok purring. Cats purr at a frequency of 25Hz, the same frequency that is used to help heal wounds faster in humans (reference). The rhythmic sound Ewok makes often helps me sleep. When I'm tossing and turning or my mind is racing, I put her beside my pillow and focus on the sound she is making. This usually helps me drift off. I'm assuming her purring means she is content which means I am doing something right. This gives me a peaceful feeling, allowing me to sleep. How do I get her to stay? I'm lucky she just likes to sleep with me every night. Unfortunately her favourite spot to sleep is on my face. So if I want her to stay, I have to wait until she is sleepy and then I can position her like putty.

3. Exercise.
This makes more sense if you have a dog. Obviously, you have to walk the dog. Ewok is unique, but I don't take her for a walk. She's an indoor cat. Ewok and I do yoga together. Yes, you read that last sentence right. Yoga. Every time I do a workout video, I get out my yoga mat and I have to get Ewok's mat out for her too. If I don't workout often enough, she starts to remind me to get to it.

Kitty yoga time on her very own mat

Let me explain. I do workout videos at home for which I use a yoga mat. I would start my workout and Ewok would be there......batting my ponytail as I did sit-ups, climbing under me as I did push-ups and weaving in and out of my legs as I did squats. Not to mention scratching my mat to pieces. She was driving me nuts and making it impossible to workout at home. One day I got fed up with her antics and her scratching, so I got out another mat, only half hoping she'd stay on the old one and leave me alone. To my surprise, she did! She loves that ridiculous hot pink mat! Without me in the way she was free to scratch and roll and contort herself all over it. So now we workout together. Me on my mat, Ewok on hers. If I haven't worked out in a while she'll head over to where I keep the mats and start scratching her pink one. Hey Mum, workout time!

4. Curbing the loneliness.

Ewok watching for me to come home

Spending time with Ewok makes me feel better. Petting her, playing with her or listening to her purr gives me something else to focus on. Also, she needs me. As much as she'd like to think she was a ferocious little beast that could take care of herself, she can't. She needs me, her little world revolves around me. It's nice to be needed. Ewok is going to want me around and love me regardless of my mood, whether or not I got that grant for my research and despite my eating the whole chocolate cake. Pet love is unconditional, that's a reason to keep going.

5. Creativity.
Your pet may inspire creativity whether it be through art, photography or writing. Maybe you capture a look that you can interpret since you don't really know what they are thinking. Or perhaps they inject some humor in among the darkness. Currently, I'm starting to get that heavy feeling from being without my medication. I'm not in a smiling mood, but here I am writing a post about Ewok and her ridiculous yoga mat and its already making me feel a little lighter. You don't have to be some kind of artist for your pet to inspire creativity either. What about homemade treats or toys? Decorations or bedding for a cage? I know it seems insignificant, but anything to distract you from over-thinking and and getting into that negative snowballing effect will help.

Baby Ewok

If you can't have a pet for some reason, you can still benefit. I'm sure you have friends or relatives with pets that you can visit. If you are open to a little more commitment, you can also volunteer to walk neighbourhood dogs or work at the local animal shelter. For a less committed interaction try a bird feeder in the backyard or even going to the zoo could provide a nice distraction.