Sugaring Off

In Canada, you know spring has arrived when you see smoke rising from the maple wood forests. No, we aren't burning the trees down. We're collecting sap and boiling it to make maple syrup. It's sugaring off season! Have you ever had real maple syrup? I don't mean corn syrup or Aunt Jemima. I mean the real stuff... straight out of a maple tree and boiled to perfection. Once you've had it, there's no going back.

Sugaring off entails going to one of the maple syrup making establishments. They aren't factories. They are little wooden shacks in the middle of the woods. A horse and wagon ride is usually required to get you into the woods. You get a demonstration on how the sap is collected and made into syrup and the associated maple products (taffy, maple sugar, maple butter, fudge etc.) There is usually a bonfire, some folk entertainment and activities for the kids. Of course there's lunch too....Canadian specialties accompanied by maple syrup and sugar pie for dessert. Sugar pie is basically maple fudge on a pie crust, except the fudge is the same consistency as the goo in pecan pie.You can only get sugar pie in Quebec. I've lived in Ontario, it's just not the same.

This past weekend was my first sugaring off experience in a really long time. I was feeling fine when I agreed to go, but as the date approached, I began my descent into doom and gloom. I was dreading the sugaring off experience for all the usual reasons depressed people dread outings, but on top of that, an extra worry. I was going with the in-laws.

I'm very lucky. I get along quite well with my in-laws. They don't know about my depression and anxiety problems though. My husband told me one time that his mother didn't believe in mental illnesses like depression, so I thought it best to keep the in-laws in the dark. This can be a bit of a burden sometimes. When you are feeling this low, the last thing you want to do is put energy into hiding it. I was relieved when I awoke on the day of to find a blizzard. Maybe it would be cancelled and I could stay home. I don't know why I thought that. This is Quebec, we don't call in the army when it snows. We shrug and start digging!

So as I put on my blizzard gear, I went through my acting check list to make sure I was ready. I like lists, can you tell? Here's my strategy for faking it when I need to.

1. I smile. I hide behind a smile when I don't want people to know how I am really feeling. I usually don't feel like smiling. I try to have a joke or something in my head that I can't help but smile a little. Lately I've been singing the Lego Movie song, it works well for me. "Everything is awesome..." I didn't have to sing in the end, I was so bundled up that you couldn't tell if I was smiling or not! Score!
2. I redirect the conversation. If someone asks how I am, I say fine and then switch the conversation to something about them. Something more than how are you. I ask about their work or their kids for example. People like to talk about themselves. They never notice that I've redirected the conversation.
3. I try to look healthy. I slap on a little tinted moisturizer and some foundation to cover the darkness under my eyes and I'm good to go. There is nothing like a pale face or bags under your eyes to make people ask questions. I imagine doing this would be easier for women. For guys, or at least the ones that don't wear make-up, there is a little more preparation involved. I would make sure to get a good night's sleep the night before and stay hydrated. This keeps you looking fresh.
4. I like to have support. I told my husband how I was feeling. Having someone know was a relief on its own. Throughout the day he would send me little smiles and put his arm around me. It made it easier knowing he was there to back me up.
5. I don't give details. I say I'm just not feeling right if someone asks why I am quieter than usual or something. Giving details leads to thinking, which usually leads to tears. Never a good thing when you are trying to hide it.
6. I give myself a break. It's okay not to be the life of the party or hide it perfectly. I'm participating, I didn't flake despite really wanting to. I have to give myself a little pat on the back for that.

Confessions of a Java Junkie

My crazy professor hanging from the auditorium ceiling

Coffee is my lifeline. It wasn't always like that though. I used to hate it, the nasty bitter taste made my stomach turn. Now, I drink it black, like my soul. I blame my coffee addiction on Physics 101 and my body image issues. It was my first year of university, I had a physics class that lasted an hour and a half in an auditorium that sat over 600 students. The auditorium was cold, so I always had my jacket wrapped around me. This, along with my level of interest in physics and my professor's monotone voice was the perfect combination for nodding off. I remember trying to take notes and falling asleep mid sentence. My notes would go from legible to chicken scratch. One time, I completely fell asleep at the beginning of the lecture and woke up to find my professor hanging from the ceiling by a bungee cord. Look, simple harmonic motion! he was saying. I thought I was hallucinating! Time to find a method of staying awake.

Getting cozy, wrapped in my jacket was not a good idea, so I had to find a new strategy to stay warm. Tim Hortons (THE Canadian coffee/donut shop) was near by, so hot chocolate would be good I thought. Then the little devil on my shoulder woke up and said too many calories to have that all the time. Coffee has no calories. So I started drinking it. It's an acquired taste. After having it several times a week for a semester, I started to like it. Now, I have it not only because I REALLY like it, I need it too. I'm not quite as alert without it.

Coffee has caffeine which acts as a stimulant. It increases heart rate, stimulates the central nervous system and temporarily boosts metabolism (yay!). Caffeine is similar in structure to a brain chemical called adenosine which makes us sleepy. Since our body can't tell the difference between the caffeine and adenosine, it ends up using caffeine instead, causing the spike in energy. Caffeine is not unique to coffee, it is also in teas, soda and chocolate, but you get the most benefit from it in coffee. Moderate amounts of coffee can improve your attention span, reaction time and other brain skills. Coffee contains antioxidants along with caffeine. Antioxidants are tiny molecular warriors against diseases like cancer and Alzheimer's. That's not all coffee helps to fight. A 2011 Harvard study followed the caffeine intake of 50,739 women over a ten year period. They found that those who drank coffee had a decreased incidence of depression compared to those who didn't. So more coffee = less depression. Hook me up to a coffee IV, stat!

Not so fast. It is recommended that the average person have 2 to 4 cups of coffee a day. Every body reacts differently to coffee. Caffeine toxicity is possible. The symptoms resemble anxiety and mood disorders, you can feel agitated, nervous and restless. Depression is often accompanied by anxiety and insomnia. Coffee can aggravate these. It best to see how you react to coffee before hooking up the IV. I noticed that if I have caffeinated coffee in the afternoon, I don't sleep very well. So now I make sure to unhook my IV or switch to decaf (which has much less caffeine) by noon.

Coffee can also affect you differently depending on your medication. I haven't read any research on this, I speak from experience and reading mental health forums. I recently increased the dosage of my bupropion (Welbutrin) to 300mg. This medication gives me more energy and a better outlook, but I have to put up with the side effect of tremors. They normally aren't too bad, my hands shake a little, no big deal. I don't know if this was because I was adjusting to the new dosage or what, but I had a pot of coffee one morning earlier this week and holy tremors Batman!! I was shaking so much I couldn't write, type or draw. My muscles were doing strange twitchy things, especially the muscles in my face and it felt like my eyes were vibrating. In addition to all that, I was sooo nauseous! I didn't actually throw up, but it kept coming and going in waves. I've never felt like that before. The last few days I've had two cups of coffee with lots of water and I haven't had the same reaction thankfully. I would be really sad to give up my coffee.

What's the moral of this story? Coffee has all sorts of benefits, but every body is different. Find out what amount is right for you. Also, watch out when you change your medication!

Seeing Old Friends

I'm still feeling like rubbish, perhaps a bit worse, but I'm still working my way down my comfort list. Another list item is nostalgia. I like to remember good things, or good times in life. I need to remind myself that I've had them once, so I will have them again, no matter how bleak the future looks. Today I am thinking about my friends, my forever friends.

There are four of us who have been friends since elementary school. We're close, like The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, despite them living in Toronto and me in Montreal. I see them a few times a year. Part of me looks forward to seeing them while part of me dreads it. I get anxious about seeing people I haven't seen in a while. Once we get together, everything is fine and we pick up right where we left off, but until we meet, I'm nervous.

I had one of those experiences recently. Before seeing them, I was nervous and wanted to back out. I was in Toronto and had forgotten to bring my meds. Brilliant! It had been four days without them and I was starting to feel like hell. Would I be able to muster up enough enthusiasm? Would they notice the weight I've gained? Would they see through my "I'm fine." exterior and feel sorry for me? Would they see that I'm no further along in life, that I'm stagnating?

Robin is the one I'm closest to, which is a little funny because our lives are quite different from one another. I guess it's because I admire her. She is the single mom of a seven year old. It hasn't been easy for her, but she has handled everything remarkable well. Her daughter is really sweet and bright and Robin is a great mom. Being a mom terrifies me and she does it like she was born to. Robin is well established in life. She has a good job, a home, lots of friends and is dating a nice man. I feel like I'm still trying to get my life started.

Melissa just had a baby boy and she is over the moon to be starting a family. Melissa has always known what she wanted and went for it. She went to school to be a physiotherapist and got a job right out of school. She married her first boyfriend and they live in a nice big house in the same neighbourhood she grew up in.

Natasha and I are probably the most alike. We're both working on our doctoral degrees in science. For some reason the stress is making her beautifully thin and making me horrendously fat. I'm envious. She is finishing up her data collection and has already scored a post-doc position while I am still stuck in ethics.

I am happy for my friends and proud of them. I'm just ashamed of myself for being so far behind. I try not to let this get in the way though. They are my friends, my real friends. They will love me whether I weigh 100lbs or 3 times that. They wont treat me differently because I'm going through a slow patch in life and they'll encourage me to keep working for the things I want, the things that are good for me.

It's important to learn who your real friends are and not let them go. It's hard not to compare yourself to them and get anxious when you don't have any good news to share. Don't let things like weight gain or life set backs get in the way of seeing them and talking to them. There are enough people in life who just want to bring you down. You need to keep the ones that lift you up close.

Overcoming the Perfectionist Attitude

Hi. I'm the Somber Scribbler and I'm a perfectionist.

Perfectionism is not only annoying, it's often the cause of low self-esteem and anxiety. Perfectionists have unrealistically high expectations of themselves, others, or life in general. They are often highly focused on details, particularly the negatives and they tend to discount the positives. Are you a perfectionist? Here are some of the signs....

• You are motivated by fear of failure or sense of duty. I should, I must, I have to...
• You are critical of every effort. Your accomplishments never satisfy you, you have to be number one.
• You have to earn your self-esteem. You must be accomplished or you wont be loved or accepted by others.
• You are terrified by failure. If you don't reach your goal, you think you are a failure as a human being.
• You must always be in strong control of your emotions, otherwise you might be seen as weak.
• You tend to think in two categories (black and white, success and failure) rather than on a continuum.
• You make conclusions that go beyond a situation. If it happened once, it will always happen.

Sound like you? It sure sounds like me. There are tips all over the place about how to get over it. For example, make more realistic goals, stop focusing on the little negatives, don't discount the positive stuff and find more pleasure in life. It's good advice, but how do you do that? It's hard to just turn off that black and white thinking when you've been doing it your whole life.

I want to share some painfully obvious things that I have realized lately. Reminding myself of these things has helped me to be more successful in following the anti-perfectionist tips.

Existence = Worth
Society measures our worth by outer achievements, so that's how I measure my own worth. How much education do I have? How many friends do I have? How much money do I have? How thin am I? Sounds about right, right? Wrong! Your worth is a given just because you exist. People give pets and plants worth just for being there. Why shouldn't we give ourselves the same treatment?

Mistakes Are ok as Long as You Are Still in Control
You are human, you make mistakes. You probably make several a day (I do!) and that's ok. They are not worth dwelling on. It just gives you more anxiety. There is no learning without mistakes. I know you've heard that before and it's not that comforting, but what about this? Think about how many mistakes you can make before you lose control of the situation. There's a lot of room for error there. Feel better? I do.

Would you Demand the Same From Your Best Friend?
I applied to optometry school out of high school. I didn't get in. I hated myself. Would I hate my friend if she didn't get in? No. Would I feel bad for her? Yes. It's ok to be disappointed because of set backs, but don't let it turn into something as extreme as self-loathing.

The Right Perspective
Perfectionists tend to focus on mistakes that have minute consequences let alone any real long term effects. This mistake you made feels crappy right now, but will it matter next month? Next year? I know you want to kick me for saying that. It doesn't make you feel better right now, but it does put things in perspective. I failed my driver's test several times. I was devastated. Does it matter now? No. Does it affect my life in the long run? No. It wasn't worth all the anxiety I had over it.

Stop and Smell the Roses
Perfectionists are often rigid and self-denying. You can't keep giving 100% without recharging your batteries. Make time to do something you enjoy. I got to the point where I didn't enjoy anything anymore. Everything stressed me out. I realized it was because I was focusing on the finish line and not on the process. My favourite pass-time was drawing and I stopped doing it because I wasn't any good at it. I was so focused on what my artwork looked like in the end that I forgot it was the drawing part that I enjoyed. Focus on the process.

When I remind myself of these things I find it easier to follow the tips on how not to be a perfectionist. I'm still a perfectionist, but I'm working on it. Thinking in black and white and focusing on the negative is still automatic, but remembering these points helps me talk myself out of it and it has reduced my anxiety by leaps and bounds. I hope it can be of some use to you too.

Stess in Life, Stress in Sleep - Most Common Anxiety Dreams

I use sleep to escape my really low points. This works for the most part, unless I have anxiety dreams. In this case, sleep is stressful, life is stressful and I wake up exhausted. Things usually spiral out of control pretty quick.

Dream research from the University of California has found continuities between dream elements and waking life. Typically, the elements represented the concerns and interests of the dreamer, suggesting that dreams do have meaning. They have also found similarities among cultures, genders and age groups. Dream interpretation is complex and individual. Two people can have similar dreams, but their life situations differ, ultimately giving different symbolism to the elements in their dream. Having an anxiety dream about a growing mass of insects could mean you have an insect phobia, or it could mean that you have a growing problem in your life. It's open to interpretation.

Here are some of the most common anxiety dreams and some interpretations of the elements in them.

My teeth fall out. I absolutely hate this one. I have it the most often. It happens slightly differently each time. So I always think OMG it's actually happening for real this time!! I'm never quite sure that it's just a dream until I've checked in the mirror and tried to wiggle a few teeth.
What it means. Apparently this one is really common. Have you had it? Teeth are often interpreted as a symbol of power. So losing them would signify a loss of control. In other cases teeth could represent losing face. Maybe you have a situation where you are worried about what others might think of you?

Unprepared for an exam. I have to write the final exam and I haven't even been to class yet. This one really makes me sweat since I am, technically, still in school. Usually it's a math exam and I haven't gone to classes because I've been too depressed. In real life, I am teaching myself statistics, so you see how confusing this can get.
What it means. This one is rather obvious. You are likely feeling unprepared for a real life situation. Often people having this dream have a lot of work-related stress.

The Car is not working. I'm in the car and I can't control it. I've had this dream since before I could actually drive. I'm in the car and it's moving forward, slowly. Sometimes there are people with me, sometimes not. Nothing in the car is working. Not the steering, not the breaks. I just keep moving forward slowly towards something...usually something that puts me into panic mode. Like on-coming traffic. With this one, I can usually figure out I'm dreaming and take back control.
What it means. This one is interpreted in different ways. Sometimes it means some part of your life is dysfunctional, like a relationship for instance. Another variation, If you are the passenger, perhaps you are uneasy relinquishing control to the driver. If you are the one in the driver's seat (this is what I dream), it could symbolize responsibility. You are not quite comfortable in the driver's seat of your own life.

I'm being chased. I've only had this one once that I can recall. You are running from someone/thing and can't get away. I imagine this scenario is often accompanied by screaming or fighting. It drives me nuts when I try to scream and it comes out at a conversational level or when you try to punch the bad guy and it all happens in slow motion. So frustrating! I usually know I'm dreaming then though and it's not so bad anymore.
What it means. The key to this one is figuring out what the pursuer represents. It is usually someone/thing you are threatened by.

I'm naked in public. I didn't start having this one until very recently. I'm usually in a bathing suit environment and have forgotten my top or something. I'm completely embarrassed, but no one seems to notice my predicament.
What it means. This usually represents a life scenario where you are feeling vulnerable, not confident or unskilled. Since no one is noticing, it may mean your feelings are unfounded. A better meaning than other dreams, but a stressful dream none the less.

I'm drowning. This one is scary. I'm underwater, running out of air and I can see the surface. I swim towards it, but I can never seem to break through. I usually wake up at this point because I've been holding my breath.
What it means. This is most often associated with being overwhelmed or denying yourself an emotion that you need to be feeling.

I'm falling. I've never had this one, but it is considered common.
What it means. It usually means you feel unsupported or out of control in a real life situation.

I see dead people. I don't mean zombies here. This is the absolute worst one I have by far! I always wake up in tears and gasping for air. I dream that my Gran has been alive all these years and no one has told me. They left me thinking she was dead. In reality, she died ten years ago this month.
What it means. I've read that seeing a dead relative means you miss them and it's a coping mechanism or a last opportunity to say goodbye. That part makes sense but, I don't really know why I would be thinking she was dead and only find out later she was still alive. I'm lost as to what that detail means. Any ideas? It really bothers me.

How do you make them stop?
There are so many methods to try. Most of them involve some form of relaxation exercise and altering you're thought patterns either before bed of during the dream. This doesn't work for me. I don't know how to relax and I can only alter my thought patterns in some dream scenarios (like the car or when I'm fighting someone). In more extreme cases, there are medications, but they stop the good dreams too and if you are like me and have your own personal pharmacy in the medicine cabinet, then you don't really want to add to it. Diet and exercise can influence your dreams too. Seems like those two factors influence everything. All you can really do is try these methods and see what works for you. Everyone is different.

What works for me? Constant, unchanging noise. The sound of a fan, rain hitting the window, the crackle of the fire, things like that. My favourite anti-anxiety dream noise is music from the Phantom of the Opera. The voices and the music blend together in such a way that nothing sticks out and it's just pleasant sound. I've never had a bad dream going to sleep to The Phantom of the Opera. I wonder if other musicals/operas would work?


Sources:
dreamresearch.net
www.dreams.ca

Misadventures with Dr. Dreamy the Psychiatrist

I'm seeing my psychiatrist today. I'm not looking forward to it. The first time I met him was years ago. My doctor sent me to him to get another opinion on anti-depressant medication. I had never been to a psychiatrist before. I was anxious, but keeping an open mind. So I went to my first appointment and it was awkward. First of all, Dr. Dreamy is very attractive and he's not much older than me. I guess I was expecting someone older and wiser, someone who wasn't a peer. The fact the he was cute and making me blush just made it that much more uncomfortable.

I had waited months and months for the appointment, so I wasn't going to bail now. I was okay talking to him about my anxiety issues. It was harder to talk to him about depression and my body image issues, but I did because I thought it was important. I had two appointments with him before I went back to my regular doctor.

It took Dr. Dreamy about two months to get back to my regular doctor about his opinion on my meds. He said the best thing for me would be Remeron. Remeron?! Are you kidding me?! Had he been listening to anything I was saying? I had basically told him I was obsessed with my weight and miserable because I was fatter than I wanted to be. I told him I was addicted to cake. Remeron is notorious for increasing appetite, especially for junk food and is one of the worst drugs for weight gain. I'm lucky I did my research ahead of time. Otherwise, I would have assumed doctor knows best and just taken what he recommended. Needless to say, I didn't go back to him.

Fast forward a few years. I passed the 25 years old marker which was disastrous. I had to stop seeing my regular doctor because I was no longer considered a youth. 25 is also the cut off for being on your parents' medical insurance, so no more private therapy. Therapy is a little expensive for a grad student. I tried the counseling services at the university, but that didn't go well. A story for another time.

So now what? I started going to a walk-in clinic to get my refills. They refused to give me more than a month's worth. So once a month I'd spend a few hours waiting at the walk-in. Yuck. I was put on a waiting list to see psychiatry (hope!). Then I found out they refer to the same practice that Dr. Dreamy was from. I made sure I requested a woman this time. Not only to avoid Dr. Dreamy, but I was hoping a women would take my body image issues more seriously. It took over 8 months to get an appointment with psych.

So I go to my appointment, feeling hopeful that I'd be able to get some real help again. I'm waiting in the waiting room and I hear my name called. I look up.....and it's Dr. Dreamy again. Doh! Apparently since I started my file with him, I have to stay with him. Unfortunately, the past few years have been good to Dr. Dreamy and he's still as cute as ever.

Since I didn't really have a choice, I gave Dr. Dreamy another chance. He seemed better this time, although talking to him is still awkward. I feel like he is actually listening now. I've gone back to him many times, with long wait times in between. Instead of telling me what medication would be best for me, he has been asking what I think would be best for me. I'm managing my own meds? Does anyone else's psychiatrist do this? At least this way I wont go on anything that causes weight gain, but I'm not a doctor, I don't really know what I'm talking about.....

Zentangles for getting over the fear of making mistakes

When I was younger, I fancied myself an artist. I never went a day without doodling something. As I got older, that all changed. I stopped drawing and it wasn't until recently I realized why I stopped. I hate making mistakes!

Well who likes making mistakes right? No one. I let my fear of making mistakes stop me from doing something I enjoyed. Drawing suddenly became something stressful so I started avoiding it. This became a trend. I let the fear of making mistakes stop me from doing a lot of things....my fears started to affect my work, my relationships and my well-being. Something had to change.

Mistakes are part of life, they are unavoidable and the sooner you accept that, the better. The key to living through mistakes is to not let the situation get out of control. You can make A LOT of mistakes before you lose control. This made sense to me, so I decided to start small. Applying this thinking to drawing makes it seem silly to have stopped. Being creative is allowing yourself to make mistakes. It is the mistakes that make your work unique.

To get back into drawing, I started with zentangles. What is a zentangle? It's a method of drawing structured, repetitive patterns. Repetitive = relaxation and focus. I find it's a good way to clear your head. When you look at a zentangle for the first time, it looks complicated. The whole idea behind zentangles is that you can do anything, but one step at a time. You focus on the patterns, not your preconceived idea of what the final result should be. Without an expectation in mind, it is easier to make mistakes.

I've been doing zentangles for a while. It has helped. It has made it easier to start doodling again. I'm hoping to apply this to the rest of life. I think breaking things into smaller steps will make tasks less overwhelming and not being so rigid about the outcome will keep me from being disappointed and hating myself when I do make mistakes.

"Don't carry your mistakes around with you. Instead, place them under your feet and use them as stepping stones... "

One of my zentangle circles

Here's how to do a zentangle:

1. Start with a blank piece of paper. Traditional zentangles are 3.5" by 3.5". You can do whole pages if you want, but the small size is much less intimidating.
2. Make four dots, one in each corner of the paper.
3. Connect the dots using straight lines, wavy lines or create a shape.
4. Draw lines through your outline. This creates sections.
5. Choose a tangle to fill in a section. There are so many to choose from. I use this site as my tangle pattern library: http://tanglepatterns.com/tag/zentangle They show you a pattern and the step-by-step instructions to draw it for yourself.
6. Use a different tangle in each section.