Down the Rabbit Hole

I'm feeling pretty low. That's why my last few posts have been about things I have learned either through experience or reading. I think it's important for you to either learn something new or feel uplifted after reading a post here. I've gotten to the point where my brain isn't working well enough to come up with something. I'm falling down the rabbit hole, but unlike Alice, I'm not going to land in Wonderland. There is nothing wondrous about the place I'm going. It's dark, lonely, hopeless and usually doesn't make much sense. Well, maybe Alice and I have that latter part in common.

I can usually tell when I'm falling. I start getting really tired for no particular reason. Then I start to lose what little motivation I have. That's how this spell started, but there were a few added perks. I changed the dosage on my medication and I'm having a hard time adjusting. The first few days I was really nauseous and shaky. The nausea went away, but the tremors stayed. It makes it extremely hard to draw which seems to be the only thing I can do without having to jump over the giant hurdle of dread. These symptoms, along with the lack of motivation have kept me from going to work. I think I feel guilty about not doing any work, or maybe I just think I should feel guilty, I don't know. I don't care enough to figure it out.

Yesterday was particularly wretched. I haven't been sleeping very well and the night before last I pretty much didn't. My lack of sleep has accumulated into that nauseating, photosensitive, headache-y feeling that leaves you stranded in bed or on the couch in the dark. So that's where I've been for most of the day....and night.

While I was rotting on the couch, I got confirmation that my husband will definitely be out of a job for the next school year. There are no full-time science contracts in the school board he is tenured with. All these questions are swirling through my brain. What are we going to do?! Will he find something else? Will I have to leave my Ph.D.? Will we have to move? This would normally start a panic which I would talk myself down from, except I don't have the energy to panic. So instead I curled up into a ball and prayed that I'd just disappear. Since it was not likely that my prayers would be answered, I needed a new strategy.

I've been told that when I start to fall apart I should try living life 10 minutes at a time so I don't get overwhelmed and can stop thinking about the future. There was nothing I could do about my meds, my work or his job at the moment anyway. What could I do right now? Try to feel better. How? I have a list of things that usually cheer me up. I have it written down for times like this when I'm not rational. Starting at the top of my list is my husband, who is not currently home, next... Find Ewok (my cat). Check. Sweatpants. Check. Cup of coffee. Check. Put on the Phantom of the Opera. Check. Watch until I feel better.

The Phantom played through five times. I still feel the same. At least I haven't completely lost hope yet.

Road Trip and Withdrawal

Road Trip!!

I was actually looking forward to the change in scenery. I got up early enough to get in a workout before hitting the road at 8am. The drive from Montreal to Toronto isn't that exciting. You go straight...for about 5 hours. At least there is no chance of getting lost. The major highlight making this trip as a kid was the giant apple on the side of the highway just outside of Toronto. They call it The Big Apple and sell all sorts of apple items, pies in particular. I've never stopped there, but who knows, maybe I will this time.

So I was enjoying my road trip with the husband until we got to Cornwall. Cornwall is about half an hour outside Montreal. I realized I had forgotten all my medication. When you are on anti-depressants and they tell you not to go cold turkey, it's not something to be taken lightly. So much for my little getaway. I'll be okay today and tomorrow, but after that the flood gates will open, my negative feelings and self-loathing will return. My brain just wont work right anymore. The way I think and what makes sense completely changes when I'm off medication. I've left my meds behind often enough to know that this is what happens. I know my thoughts are distorted and I shouldn't take them seriously, but its still no comfort, I still have to fight the demons. It gets harder to concentrate on things, to smile, to make conversation and normal routine tasks like brushing my teeth or taking a shower suddenly become insurmountable. Forget going to work or out with friends. That's what I was planning to do on Saturday, go out with friends from elementary school. I hope I'll still be able to handle that by Saturday.

Going cold turkey on some meds is easier than on others. It also depends on your brain chemistry. What I'll be going through in the next few days will be rough, but I'll manage. I wont be wishing I could slam my car into a tree or anything. It is like that sometimes when you suddenly stop. When I was on Effexor and I ran out it, was scary! I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't leave the house and I was wishing that I could go to sleep and never wake up. I also got a really strange withdrawal symptom.....shocks. You know when you shut the car door in the summer, sometimes you get shocked. It was like that, but happening in my head. It was really disruptive and uncomfortable. It's hard to carry on a conversation with that going on in your head. So weird.

I ran out of medication a few times while I was on Effexor. I didn't have a regular doctor and prescription refills aren't exactly top priority at the walk-ins. Because of the horrible withdrawal and all the other uncomfortable side effects (stomach upsets, dry mouth, loss of libido, tremors and excessive sweating) I ended up switching medications. Effexor was both the best and the worst medication I have been on. It gave me a lot more energy, I even lost weight, but the side effects and withdrawal were too steep a price to pay.